Redneck Fish Story

Redneck Fish Story courtesy of Cathy Martin

A redneck with a bucket full of live fish, was approached recently by a game warden in Texas as he started to drive his boat away from a lake. The game warden asked the man, “May I see your fishing license please?” “Naw, sir,” replied the redneck. “I don’t need none of them there papers. These here are my pet fish.” Redneck Fish Story

“Pet fish!?!?”

“Yep. Once a week, I bring these here fish o’mine down to the lake and let ’em swim ’round for a while. Then when I whistle, they swim right back into my net and I take ’em home.”

“What a line of baloney….you’re under arrest.”

The redneck said, “It’s the truth, Mr. Gov’ment man. I’ll show ya! We do this all the time!!”

“WE do, now, do WE?” smirked the warden. “PROVE it!”

The redneck released the fish into the lake and stood and waited. After a few minutes, the warden said, “Well?”

“Well, WHUT?” said the redneck.

The warden asked, “When are you going to call em back?”

“Call who back?”

“The FISH,” replied the warden!

“Whut fish?” asked the redneck.

MORAL OF THE STORY: We may not be as smart as some city slickers, but we ain’t as dumb as some government employees.

Redneck Fish Story

Answering Machine Message And Other Jokes

Courtesy of Cathy Craddock

Answering machine message, “I am not available right now, but thank you for caring enough to call. I am making some changes in my life. Please leave a message after the beep. If I do not return your call, you are one of the changes.”

~~~~~

I just took a leaflet out of my mailbox, informing me that I can have sex at 79.
I’m so happy, because I live at number 71.
So it’s not too far to walk home afterwards.
And since it’s the same side of the street
I don’t even have to cross the road!

~~~~~

My wife and I had words,
but I didn’t get to use mine.

~~~~~
Frustration is trying to find your glasses without your

glasses.

~~~~~
Blessed are those who can give without remembering
and take without forgetting.

~~~~~
The irony of life is that, by the time you’re old

enough to know your way around, you’re
not going anywhere.

~~~~~
God made man before woman so as to give him time
to think of an answer for her first question.

~~~~~
I was always taught to respect my elders, but it keeps getting harder to find one.

~~~~~
Every morning is the dawn of a new error.

~~~~~
The quote of the month is by Jay Leno: “With hurricanes, tornadoes, fires out of control, mud slides, flooding, severe thunderstorms tearing up the country from one end to another, and with the threat of bird flu and terrorist attacks, are we sure this is a good time to take God out of the Pledge of Allegiance?”

Building Permit Mosque

Building Permit Mosque Hat tip Tom Flocco

Building Permit Mosque — I recently applied for a building permit for a new house.It was going to be 100 ft tall and 400 ft wide, with 9 gun turrets at various  heights, and windows all over the place and a loud outside entertainment  sound system.

Building Permit MosqueIt  would have parking for 200 cars, and I was going to paint it green  with pink trim.

The City Council told me; “Forget it…AIN’T  GONNA HAPPEN!”

So I sent in the application again, but this time  I called it a ‘Mosque’.

Work  starts on Monday.

I love this  country. It’s the Government I’m afraid of.

State Of The Nation Humor– Off The Internet

State Of The Nation Humor — Courtesy of Cathy Craddock

Ain’t it the truth!

WELCOME TO THE 21ST CENTURY!

*Our Phones ~ Wireless

*Cooking ~ Fireless

*Cars ~ Keyless

*Food ~ Fatless

*Tires ~ Tubeless

*Dress ~ Sleeveless

*Youth ~ Jobless

*Leaders ~ Shameless

*Relationships ~ Meaningless

*Attitude ~ Careless

*Wives ~ Fearless

*Babies ~ Fatherless

*Feelings ~ Heartless

*Education ~ Valueless

*Children ~ Mannerless

Everything is becoming LESS
but still our hopes are Endless
In fact we are ~ Speechless

And Congress is

-WORTHLESS !!

And our President is –
CLUELESS !!

Smart Ass Answers

Smart Ass Answers Courtesy of Cathy Craddock

SMART ASS ANSWER #6

It was mealtime during an airline flight.
‘Would you like dinner?’, the flight attendant asked John, seated in front.
‘What are my choices?’ John asked.
‘Yes or no,’ she replied.

SMART ASS ANSWER #5

A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her.
Without missing a beat, she said, ‘Sir, I need to see your ticket, not your stub.’

SMART ASS ANSWER #4

A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store but she couldn’t find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, ‘ Do these turkeys get any bigger?’
The stock boy replied, ‘No ma’am, they’re dead…’

SMART ASS ANSWER #3

The police officer got out of his car as the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window. ‘I’ve been waiting for you all day,’ the officer said.
The kid replied, Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could.’
When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.

SMART ASS ANSWER #2

A truck driver was driving along on the freeway and noticed a sign that read: Low Bridge Ahead. Before he knows it, the bridge is right in front of him and his truck gets wedged under it. Cars are backed up for miles.
Finally a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, ‘Got stuck, huh?’
The truck driver says, ‘No, I was delivering this bridge and I ran out of gas.’

SMART ASS ANSWER OF THE YEAR

A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow’s final exam. ‘Now class, I won’t tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that’s it, no other excuses whatsoever!’
A smart-ass student in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, ‘What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?’
The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering. When silence was restored, the teacher smiled knowingly at the student, shook her head and sweetly said, ‘Well, I guess you’d have to write the exam with your other hand.’

A BONUS EXTRA

A woman is standing nude looking in the bedroom mirror. She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, ‘I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly… I really need you to pay me a compliment.’
The husband replies, ‘Your eyesight’s damn near perfect

Smart Ass Answers Courtesy of Cathy Craddock

Smart Ass Answers Courtesy of Cathy Craddock

Skinny Dipping — Off the Internet

Skinny Dipping — Courtesy of Cathy Craddock

An elderly man in Louisiana had owned a farm for several years.

He had a large pond in the back.  It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn’t been there for a while, and look it over.

He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.

As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.

As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond.

He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.

One of the women shouted to him, ‘we’re not coming out until you leave!’

The old man frowned, ‘I didn’t come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked.’

Holding the bucket up he said, ’I’m here to feed the alligator.’

Some old men can still think fast.

Bagpiper Septic Tank Tribute

Bagpiper Septic Tank Tribute Courtesy of Cathy Craddock

As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper’s cemetery in the back country. As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost and, being a typical man, I didn’t stop for directions.

I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch. I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn’t know what else to do, so I started to play. The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I’ve never played before for this homeless man. As I played ‘Amazing Grace,’ the workers began to weep. They wept,  I wept, we all wept together. When I finished I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car.Though my head hung low, my heart was full.

As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, “I ain’t never seen nothin’ like that before and I’ve been putting in septic tanks for twenty years.”

Apparently, I’m still lost… It’s a man thing.

Bagpiper Septic Tank Tribute

Bagpiper Septic Tank Tribute

Dem Convention First Day Schedule

The Democrats Convention opens Tuesday. Here is the tentative off-the-internet schedule for the first day:

3:30 PM – Entrance parade of corrupt union bosses, homosexual activists, abortion doctors, aged “our movement will rise again” hippies, Black Panthers, anti-war (unless a Democrat is waging it) activists, “we’re-not-illegal-we’re-undocumented-immigrants-so-let-us-in-your-country-and-give-us-licenses” advocates and “free speech as long as you agree with us” radicals.

4:00 PM – Opening Flag Burning Ceremony
4:05 PM – Singing of “God Damn America” led by Rev. Jeremiah Wright
4:10 PM – Pledge of Allegiance to Obama
4:15 PM – Ceremonial I hate America led by Michelle Obama
4:30 PM – Tips on Dodging Sniper Fire – Hillary Clinton
4:45 PM – Rev Jessie Jackson Leads Castrati Choir in Singing “Great Balls of Fire”
5:00 PM – UFO Abduction Survival – Joe Biden
5:30 PM – Eliot Spitzer Speaks on “Family Values” via Satellite
5:45 PM – Tribute to All 57 States
6:00 PM – Joe Biden Delivers 100,000-Word Speech Featuring 23-Minute Question and 2-Hour Answer
8:30 PM – Airing of Grievances by the Clintons
9:00 PM – Bill Clinton Delivers Rousing Endorsement of Obama Girl
9:15 PM – Tribute Film to Freedom Fighters at Gitmo – Michael Moore
9:45 PM – Personal Finance Seminar – Charlie Rangle
10:00 PM – Denunciation of Bitter Gun Owners
10:30 PM – Ceremonial Waving of White Flag for IRAQ, & Afghanistan
11:00 PM – Obama Energy Plan Symposium/Tire Gauge Demonstration
11:15 PM – Free Gov. Blagojevich rally
11:30 PM – Obama Accepts Tony and Latin Grammy Awards
11:45 PM – Feeding of the Delegates with 5 Loaves and 2 Fish – Obama Presiding
12:00 AM – Official Nomination of Obama by Bill Maher
12:01 AM – Obama Accepts Nomination for Lord and Savior
12:05 AM – Celestial Choirs Sing
3:00 AM – Biden Delivers Acceptance Speech

Dem Convention First Day Schedule

Nerd Jokes

If you don’t get them, take heart. It means you’re not a nerd.

1. Knock Knock, Who’s there?, To, To who?, No, to whom

2. Argon walks into a bar. The bartender says, “We don’t serve noble gases here!”. Argon doesn’t react.

3. How many computer programmers does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Whoa no! That is a hardware problem!

4. Q: How many ears does Spock have? A: 3, a right ear, a left ear and a final frontier.

5. While you would think that the glass is half empty of half full engineers think that the glass is two times larger than it needs to be while

6. politicians would say that the glass would more empty if the opposition was in charge and

7. surrealists would try to believe that the glass is half of a slowly rotting lemon while

8. scientists would believe that you cannot predict how full the glass is because you changed the outcome just by measuring it.

9. A higgs boson particle walks into a church and the Preacher says, “You can’t be in here! You call yourself the god particle and that’s sacrilegious!”. The Higgs boson says, “But without you couldn’t have mass!”

10. Heisenburg and Schrodinger are driving in a car when they are pulled over by a police officer. He asks, “Do you know how fast you were going?” Heisenburg replied, “Nope, but I knew exactly where I was!”.  The police officer thought that this was quite a suspicious answer so he searched the car and found a dead cat in the trunk. He asked, “Did you know that there is a dead cat in your trunk?” Schrodinger said, “I do now!”

Nerd Jokes

Nerd Jokes