Category: Humor

Why I Am Depressed

Courtesy of Cathy Martin

Over five thousand years ago, Moses said to the children of Israel , “Pick  up your shovels, mount your asses  and camels, and I will  lead you to the Promised Land.”

Nearly 75 years ago, (when Welfare was introduced) Roosevelt said, “Lay down your shovels, sit on your asses, and light up a Camel, this is the Promised Land.”

Today, Congress has stolen your shovel, taxed your asses, raised the price of Camels and mortgaged the Promised Land!

I was so depressed last night thinking about Health Care Plans, the economy, multiple wars, lost jobs, savings, Social Security, retirement funds, etc. .  .. . I called a Suicide Hotline.  I had to press 1 for English.

I was connected to a call center in Pakistan.  I told them I was suicidal. They got excited and asked if I could drive a truck……

Folks, we’re in trouble!

Why I Am Depressed

Holy Humor — Off The Internet

Holy Humor — Off The Internet

Courtesy of Cathy Martin

During these serious and troubled times, people of all faiths should remember these four great religious truths:

1. Muslims do not recognize Jews as God’s Chosen People.
2. Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah.
3.Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christian world.
4. Baptists do not recognize each other at the liquor store.

GOOD SAMARITAN
A Sunday school teacher was telling her class the story of the Good Samaritan.
She asked the class, “If you saw a person lying on the roadside, all wounded and bleeding, what would you do?” A thoughtful little girl broke the hushed silence, “I think I’d throw up..”

DID NOAH FISH?
A Sunday school teacher asked, “Johnny, do you think Noah did a lot of fishing when he was on the Ark ?” “No,” replied Johnny. “How could he, with just two worms.”

THE LORD IS MY SHEPHERD
A Sunday School teacher decided to have her young class memorize one of the most quoted passages in the Bible – Psalm 23 . She gave the youngsters a month to learn the chapter. Little Rick was excited about the task – but he just couldn’t remember the Psalm. After much practice, he could barely get past the first line. On the day that the kids were scheduled to recite Psalm 23 in front of the congregation, Ricky was so nervous. When it was his turn, he stepped up to the microphone and said proudly, “The Lord is my Shepherd, and that’s all I need to know.”

UNANSWERED PRAYER
The preacher’s 5 year-old daughter noticed that her father always paused and bowed his head for a moment before starting his sermon. One day, she asked him why. “Well, Honey,” he began, proud that his daughter was so observant of his messages. “I’m asking the Lord to help me preach a good sermon.” “How come He doesn’t answer it?” she asked.

BEING THANKFUL
A Rabbi said to a precocious six-year-old boy, “So your mother says your prayers for you each night? That’s very commendable. What does she say?” The little boy replied, “Thank God he’s in bed!”

ALL MEN / ALL GIRLS
When my daughter, Kelli, said her bedtime prayers, she would bless every family member, every friend, and every animal (current and past).. For several weeks, after we had finished the nightly prayer, Kelli would say, “And all girls.” This soon became part of her nightly routine, to include this closing. My curiosity got the best of me and I asked her, “Kelli, why do you always add the part about all girls?” Her response, “Because everybody always finish their prayers by saying ‘All Men’!”

SAY A PRAYER
Little Johnny and his family were having Sunday dinner at his Grandmother’s house. Everyone was seated around the table as the food was being served. When Little Johnny received his plate, he started eating right away. “Johnny! Please wait until we say our prayer.” said his mother. “I don’t need to,” the boy replied.. “Of course, you do “his mother insisted. “We always say a prayer before eating at our house.” “That’s at our house.” Johnny explained. “But this is Grandma’s house and she knows how to cook.”

 

Holy Humor — Off The Internet

Holy Humor -- Off The Internet

Honey Badger Don’t Care

We’ve been honey badgered judging by some our latest comments.

The phrase “honey badger don’t care” has become a bit an internet meme and stems from this video about the honey badger.

It very well might be the funniest thing on the entire web. If you should click on it, be warned that the language does get a bit foul.

Polar Bear Fell On Me

By Hawthorne Tarry


A polar bear fell on me.

What sadder words are there in the English language? It’s a craven phrase but ultimately a useful one.

A polar bear fell on me.

The phrase is the final sentence in the script from  the docudrama Road House and is used by the only witness to a vile murder to escape from having to testify.

Road House is based on the cold-blooded killing of a disruptive person in a Missouri town done in broad daylight before many witnesses all of whom denied knowledge of it. Granted none of them used the phrase “a polar bear fell on me” as it would not have made much sense unlike in the dramatization in which a polar bear did literally fall on the witness, a man by the name of Tinker.

Still, as is too often unfortunately the case, it is Hollywood that writes the history and “a polar bear fell on me” is what we remember from the crime.

One wonders why it is not used more.

Would not Herman Cain still be in the running if when confronted with the allegations of Ginger White, rather than issue a blanket denial, simply said “a polar bear fell on me”?

Would not Bill Clinton have avoided impeachment if he said “a polar bear fell on me” rather than “I did not have sexual relations with that woman . . .”

Al Gore, when confronted with the discrepancies in the evidence for global warming could use the phrase with ironic aptness.

Thank you for allowing me to get this off my chest.


Ed Note: All who think Hawthorne should hug a polar bear raise your hands.

A Polar Bear Fell On Me
A Polar Bear Fell On Me Tinker