Americans don’t have enough holidays.
Unlike our Euro brethren, who take off all of August to refresh themselves after their grueling 25-hour work weeks, those in the U.S. can’t catch a break. Sure, we have Arbor Day and Wildflower Week, but we need to celebrate more. So it’s only appropriate to propose a holiday to which we can all relate, one that stays with us for more than just a day.
National Colonic Month.
No, not the colonic used to flush the body of evil red meat. That would be pointless since, according to a new study, just looking at a hamburger increases the likelihood of death by 900 percent.
National Colonic Month would be the collective feeling of having a gas pump forcefully inserted where the sun doesn’t shine by the United States Congress each time we refuel our cars, buy groceries, heat our homes, lay people off, lose our jobs, pull out our hair and contemplate “crimes of opportunity” (aka siphoning your neighbor’s gas tank), all in the name of making Arab sheiks the world’s first trillionaires.
Since America has perfected its current position of being bent over a barrel, its posterior wide open and ready to receive whatever comes, what better time for a national colonic of Middle Eastern petroleum? And here’s the best part. Given America’s insatiable appetite, National Colonic Month would just roll from month to month. So whether gas is $4 now, $5 in the summer, or $9 when the Washington braintrust strikes Iran, we will never have to worry about a shortage of colonic activity.
Of course, as with any procedure, there are side effects. In our case, it hurts a lot more as the price goes up, hemorrhaging can occur, and decay and disease may soon set in. And since we are the only doctor in town, yet remain impotent to solve, let alone diagnose, the problem, the prognosis for recovery isn’t good.
Kind of reminds you of Fletch’s most famous line, “Using the whole fist, Doc?”
In America’s case, it’s a lot more than a fist.
It’s really tough to figure out who is dumber: Congress or the people who elect them.
Are people up in arms about skyrocketing gas prices? You bet. My answer? Shut up and take your colonic. It’s no one’s fault but your own, so deal with it.
Oh sure, there are renewed calls for drilling now that gas is $4/gallon – just like in 2008 when it hit $4.50. But then the economy tanked, oil prices collapsed, and gas returned to “normal” (under $3). Result? Back to complacency. The only thing that got drilled was the people, but they were too ignorant to know better.
Now that prices have spiked again, we are looking for a scapegoat. Obama is a convenient target, and while he is partially responsible, so are his blamers, namely the Republicans. Consider:
1) It was George H.W. Bush who implemented the moratorium on offshore drilling. And it was Junior Bush who, rather than being proactive by opening up ANWR and reversing Dad’s mistake while he had significant majorities in Congress (and let’s face it — after 9/11, he could have had anything he wanted in the name of security), waited until gas spiraled out of control to call for drilling. Too late, as the Democrats slammed the door in his face.
2) A local Republican congressman told me during a 2010 interview that he couldn’t introduce a drilling bill while in the minority. Uh, sorry, but Civics 101 says differently. The bill may not make it out of a Democratically controlled committee, but it absolutely could have been introduced. And, by the way, that would have been a coup, since Obama made offshore drilling and nuclear power a cornerstone of his 2010 State of the Union address. But the GOP response? He didn’t really believe that.
Remember, this is the same president who just green-lighted the first new nuclear power plants since 1978. A Democrat doing that is akin to Ronald Reagan calling for a ban of all handguns. But rather than work with the President on a (yes – Republican!) issue, the result was bitter, partisan attacks. Hence, no offshore drilling.
3) But Mr. Obama doesn’t get a free pass. He recently ridiculed those who advocate “drill, drill, drill” to lower energy prices. Well, not to be a stickler, but if you produce more of something, the price will, in fact, drop. Yes, we should all be more energy-conscious. That’s common sense. And alternative energy resources should be developed so long as they are market-feasible. But let’s be real. Oil is the unrivaled king of the energy world. Since that will not change for decades, if ever, it’s time to remove our heads from the colonic area and do what we all know has to be done: drill domestically.
Obama delayed the Keystone XL Pipeline, which was a mistake. But what damn near everybody is missing is that, save for a relatively small amount of product from North Dakota, the oil is all Canadian. Granted, getting oil from our Canuck friends is certainly better than relying on Middle Eastern nations, but it misses the point entirely. Why are we not responsibly drilling on our own turf, keeping the jobs and revenue stateside?
4) Natural gas just hit a 10-year low, while oil (and gasoline) are soaring. Go figure. So the wells that should be tapping the unlimited, clean-burning natural resource literally beneath our feet are being capped, killing jobs and entire industries. Well, except for colonics.
5) Most disturbing is that our local congressional representatives are spending their time holding hearings on the closings of the Sunoco and ConocoPhillips refineries. No, that’s not a joke. Congressman Pat Meehan and Sen. Bob Casey are looking for answers as to how the closings will affect oil prices and impact national security. (This should be no surprise, as Congress routinely holds hearings on weighty matters such as how the College Football Bowl Championship should be decided).
Perhaps I could save a boatload of taxpayer cash by releasing the results of a poll conducted of a sixth-grade class I teach. The closings will be bad. Very bad. Prices will continue to rise, since if there is less of something, its cost will increase. And we will be less secure. Next hearing?
When did we start prioritizing national security anyway? Congress cares infinitely more about the national security of Middle Eastern sheikdoms than it does America, despite some of those nations funding anti-American terrorist groups with our petro dollars. And all for one reason: their oil.
Here’s the bottom line: as long as we refuse to domestically drill, American soldiers will continue to die in Muslim lands. And no amount of hearings, protests, or political rhetoric will change that. And let’s be honest. Our men and women are not “fighting for our freedom,” nor are they “keeping the war over there.” They are simply doing the bidding of a Congress – and the people who elect them — who are too complacent, or worse, impotent – to do the responsible thing: protect America by harnessing our vast and unparalleled domestic energy resources.
And there’s no colonic to cleanse the soul from the blood we all have on our hands.
So to be crude, stick it in and fill ‘er up, Sheik.
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