Category: AAA Off The Internet

Memes mostly

Why You Must Fish, Hunt

This Off the Internet is Courtesy of Cathy Martin

I was walking down the street when I was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked me for a couple of dollars for dinner.

I took out my wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked,”If I give you this money, “Will you use it to go fishing instead of buying food?” I asked.

“No, I don’t waste time fishing,” the homeless man said..”I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive.”

“Will you spend this on hunting equipment?” I asked.

“Are you NUTS!” replied the homeless man. “I haven’t gone hunting in 20 years!”

“Well,” I said, “I’m not going to give you money. Instead, I’m going to take you home for a shower and a terrific dinner cooked by my wife.”

The homeless man was astounded. “Won’t your wife be furious with you for doing that?

I replied, “Don’t worry about that. It’s important for her to see what a man looks like after he has given up fishing and hunting !

 

 

Church Ladies With Typewriters

Courtesy of Cathy Craddock

They’re Back! Those wonderful Church Bulletins!
Thank Goodness for the church ladies with typewriters.
These sentences actually appeared in church bulletins
or were announced at church services:

The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.
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Scouts are saving aluminiumcans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
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The sermon this morning:’Jesus Walks on the Water.’
The sermon tonight:’Searching for Jesus.’
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Ladies, don’t forget the rummage sale. It’s a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house.
Bring your husbands.
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Don’t let worry kill you off – let the Church help.
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Miss Charlene Mason sang ‘I will not pass this way again’ giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
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For those of you who have children , and don’t know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
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Next Thursday there will be try-outs for the choir.
They need all the help they can get.
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Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
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A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.
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At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be ‘What Is Hell?’ Come early and listen to our choir practice.
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Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
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Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered..
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The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.
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Pot-luck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM – prayer and medication to follow.
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The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
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This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
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The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the Congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.
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Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM . Please use the back door.
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The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare’s Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM .. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
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Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.
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And this one just about sums them all up

The Associate Minister unveiled the church’s new campaign slogan last Sunday:

‘I Upped My Pledge – Up Yours.’

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Real H8, Real Love

This Off the Internet is  from jaydee007 and concerns the recently vetoed Arizona law that attempted to protect the freedom of conscience of merchants.

The Christian is exercising his First Amendment rights when he expresses why he is not baking the cake honoring a gay wedding because he is admonished by God to do so.

If he sees someone in their sins and says nothing, God tells him that the person’s blood is upon them for not providing fair warning. It is not his intent to become a victim for engaging in “The Free Exercise Thereof.”

Imagine three people  standing on the deck of the Titanic when it strikes the iceberg.

One is a Purser, the other a business man and the third is a student.

The Purser believes everything he’s been told about the Titanic being unsinkable! The Student does not believe that for a moment. The Business Man has heard both sides and is unsure.

The Purser does not like hearing anyone talk about the Titanic in any other terms than support for the notion that the ship is unsinkable. It disturbs and agitates him no end. He feels put upon any time anyone speaks that way, and he is especially disturbed when he sees someone convince anyone else that the ship may be less than perfect.

After the collision with the iceberg, the Student tells the Business Man that the ship is going to sink and it is necessary that he get into one of the life boats if he is to survive. The Purser angrily shouts that the Student knows nothing of which he speaks and he is wasting the Business Man’s time.

The Student then proceeds to attempt to convince the Purser that he is in error and that the ship is going to sink and anyone not in a life boat will be going down with the ship.

——-

Question 1. Is the Student Motivated by Hatred?

Question 2. Is the Purser Motivated by Compassion?

Question 3. When the Student Agitates the Purser is he being Mean?

Question 4. When the Purser shouts down the Student is he being Kind?

Question 5. Does the fact that the Purser doesn’t want to hear the message of the Student make the Student Insensitive or bigoted, toward the Purser, or the Business Man, in his effort to convince them of what he believes?

Question 6. Does the fact that the message the Purser brings the Business Man gives him comfort make him more caring and a better friend than the Student?

 

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Caller Explains Welfare

With the Labor Force Participation Rate at an all time low, and Food Stamps, Welfare, and Unemployment growing this caller explains welfare with seamless logic in this Off the Internet.

Somebody should read to her Aesop’s tale of the The Ant and The Grasshopper, and explain how it very much applies today.

Maybe the call is a prank set up by the disk jockeys. Maybe there is hope.

Hat tip Fran Coppock

 

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Beat Manipulators

We are presenting the below video not as a how-to but as a how-not-to-be-done-to.

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Ill Versus OK

Ill Versus OK  is courtesy of Fran Coppock

Pennsylvania, be OK, not Ill.

PART 1 — Illinois

“A State  with No Republicans!”

Some interesting data on the ‘state’ of Illinois:

There are more people on welfare in Illinois than there are people working.  Chicago pays the highest wages to teachers than anywhere else in the U.S. averaging $110,000/year. Their pensions average 80-90% of their income.

Wow, are Illinois and Chicago great or what? Be sure to read till the end. I’ve never heard it explained better. Perhaps the U.S. should pull out of Chicago? Body count: In the last six months, 292 killed (murdered) in Chicago. 221 killed in Iraq; AND Chicago has one of the strictest gun laws in the entire US.

Here’s the Chicago chain of command: President: Barack Hussein Obama Senator: Dick Durbin · House Representative: Jesse Jackson Jr. · Governor: Pat Quinn · House leader: Mike Madigan · Atty. Gen.: Lisa Madigan (daughter of Mike) · Mayor: Rahm Emanuel · The leadership in Illinois – all Democrats. · Thank you for the combat zone in Chicago. ·

Of course, they’re all blaming each other. · Can’t blame Republicans; there aren’t any! ·

Let us get ALL the facts out while we are at it: Chicago school system rated one of the worst in the country.

Can’t blame Republicans; there aren’t any!

State pension fund $78 Billion in debt, worst in country. Can’t blame Republicans; there aren’t any!

Cook County (Chicago) sales tax 10.25% highest in country. Can’t blame Republicans; there aren’t any!

This is the political culture that Obama comes from in Illinois. And he is going to ‘fix’ Washington politics for us?

George Ryan is no longer Governor, he is in prison. He was replaced by Rob Blagojevich who is, that’s right, also in prison.

And Representative Jesse Jackson Jr. resigned, .. and that’s right, he and his wife both are in prison also.

The Land of Lincoln, where our Governors and Representatives make our license plates. What? As long as they keep providing entitlements to the population of Chicago, nothing is going to change, except the state will go broke before the country does.

“Anybody who thinks he can be happy and prosperous by letting the Government take care of him better take a closer look at the American Indian.”

With all the bad news, there is hope, so let’s go to:

PART 2 Oklahoma

OKLAHOMA – may soon have plenty of new residents!

THIS IS REALLY INTERESTING, AND TRUE … PLEASE READ IT!

Oklahoma is the only state that Obama did not win even one county in the last election… While everyone is focusing on Arizona’s new law, look what Oklahoma has been doing!!!

An update from Oklahoma:

Oklahoma law passed, 37 to 9 an amendment to place the Ten Commandments on the front entrance to the state capitol.

The feds in D.C., along with the ACLU,said it would be a mistake. Hey this is a conservative state, based on Christian values… HB 1330

Guess what… Oklahoma did it anyway.

Oklahoma recently passed a law in the state to incarcerate all illegal immigrants, and ship them back to where they came from unless they want to get a green card and become an American citizen. They all scattered. HB1804.

This was against the advice of the Federal Government, and the ACLU, they said it would be a mistake.

Guess what… Oklahoma did it anyway.

Recently we passed a law to include DNA samples from any and all illegal’s to the Oklahoma database, for criminal investigative purposes. Pelosi said it was unconstitutional SB 1102

Guess what… Oklahoma did it anyway.

Several weeks ago, we passed a law, declaring Oklahoma as a Sovereign state, not under the Federal Government directives. Joining Texas, Montana and Utah as the only states to do so.

More states are likely to follow: Louisiana, Alabama, Georgia, the Carolinas, Kentucky, Missouri, Arkansas, West Virginia, Mississippi and Florida. Save your confederate money, it appears the South is about to rise up once again. HJR 1003

The federal Government has made bold steps to take away our guns. Oklahoma, a week ago, passed a law confirming people in this state have the right to bear arms and transport them in their vehicles. I’m sure that was a setback for the criminals The Liberals didn’t like it — But….

Guess what… Oklahoma did it anyway.

Just this month, the state has voted and passed a law that ALL drivers’ license exams will be printed in English, and only English, and no other language. They have been called racist for doing this, but the fact is that ALL of the road signs are in English only. If you want to drive in Oklahoma, you must read and write English. Really simple.

By the way, the Liberals don’t like any of this either.

Guess what… who cares… Oklahoma is doing it anyway.

If you like it, pass it on, if you don’t then delete it… Thanks

Guess what: the people I’m sending this to, will send it on. Well, at least the ones who love and believe in freedom will.

GOD BLESS OKLAHOMA. And let the devil have Illinois, they deserve what they get.

Ill Versus OK

Barack Obama, God’s Plan

Off the internet courtesy of Fran Coppock Barack Obama, God's Plan I, like many Americans, was deeply saddened by the reelection of Obama, was quick to be ashamed of America and the people who voted for him

Don’t know who this Pastor is but he hit the nail on the head.   (Written by a {Pastor}}
I, like many Americans, was deeply saddened by the  reelection of Obama, was quick to be ashamed of America and the people who voted for him and also questioned why God would allow this to happen. Today I started to reflect upon what happened and why. Then it hit me that I wasn’t trusting God and He is still in control! Perhaps God in his wisdom knew that Romney was not the right choice for us at this time. Perhaps God in his wisdom knew that whomever got elected was going to face huge problems and why shouldn’t Obama be the one to shoulder that responsibility. After all he is the one who has misled, lied to the American people, and has further plans for the destruction of our Country as we have known and loved it. He now has to “inherit” his own mess and can’t blame it on someone else.
The media would have crucified Romney over the next four years for “ruining” Obama’s hope and change plans and blamed him for all the problems. I believe that our God will show this nation what happens when you allow Godless people to manage the gifts this nation has to offer and He provided for us. I believe He will expose Obama once and for all for the failure he is and our corrupt media will not be able to save him.
I also believe that Obama’s attitude and treatment of Israel is not looked upon by God as obeying his command and Obama will have to answer for that. We have another Congressional election coming up in two years and maybe we can get rid of some of the democratic critters that occupy Congress today.
Maybe in four years we can run a ticket for President and Vice President like Paul Ryan and Marco Rubio. Maybe when America again suffers serious setbacks, people will realize what a weak and corrupt management team we have and be tired of it.
I will not question God’s wisdom or plans He has for us again, because He is in control and has always done what’s best for us. We are reminded that prayer isn’t always answered in the way we would like at the time, but God does answer our prayers in His time and in a way that is best for His children. So, let’s keep the Faith, lay our worries at His feet and trust God to take care of us!
This was on my heart today and I hope you all don’t mind my expressing these thoughts to you. I am in need of strength, encouragement and understanding as are so many of the faithful and good Americans in our Country today!

PRAY FOR AMERICA  !

If my people, who are called by my name, will humble themselves and pray and seek my face and turn from their wicked ways, then will I hear from heaven and forgive their sin and heal their land.
2 Chronicles 7:14

 Barack Obama, God’s Plan

 

 

Holiday Inn 401K Plan

Courtesy of Cathy Martin

No nursing home for us. We’ll be checking into a Holiday Inn!

With the average cost for nursing home care being $200.00 per day, there is a better way when we get old and too feeble.

I’ve already checked on reservations at The Holiday Inn.
For a combined long term stay discount and senior discount, it’s $59.23 per night. Breakfast is included, and some have happy hours in the afternoon.

That leaves $140.77 a day for lunch and dinner in any restaurant we want, or room service, laundry, Gratuities and special TV movies.

Plus, they provide a spa, swimming pool, a workout room, a lounge and washer-dryer, etc. Most have free toothpaste and razors, and all have free shampoo and soap. $5 worth of tips a day you’ll have the entire staff scrambling to help you. They treat you like a customer, not a patient.

There’s a city bus stop out front, and seniors ride free. The handicap bus will also pick you up (if you fake a decent limp). To meet other nice people, call a church bus on Sundays. For a change of scenery, take the airport shuttle bus and eat at one of the nice restaurants there.

While you’re at the airport, fly somewhere. Otherwise, the cash keeps building up.

It takes months to get into decent nursing homes. Holiday Inn will take your reservation today. And you’re not stuck in one place forever — you can move from Inn to Inn, or even from city to city. Want to see Hawaii ? They have Holiday Inn there too. TV broken? Light bulbs need changing? Need a mattress replaced? No problem.. They fix everything, and apologize for the inconvenience.

The Inn has a night security person and daily room service. The maid checks to see if you are ok. If not, they’ll call an ambulance . . .
Or the undertaker.

If you fall and break a hip, Medicare will pay for the hip, and Holiday Inn will upgrade you to a suite for the rest of your life.

And no worries about visits from family. They will always be glad to find you, and probably check in for a few days mini-vacation.

The grand-kids can use the pool, and eat free. What more could I ask for?

So, when I reach that golden age, I’ll face it with a grin.

 

Visit BillLawrenceDittos.com for Holiday Inn 401K Plan
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Rapist Middle School Teacher Confronted

This dramatic video in which a 28-year-old woman calls and confronts the female teacher who sexually molested while in middle school was placed on YouTube Jan. 17 and has gone viral.

The teacher had been promoted to an assistant principal at Alhambra High School in California. She resigned after being confronted about the allegations made in the video.

The abuse started when the caller was 12. The caller tells the woman she ruined her life.

One kinds of wonders what garbage the teacher was feeding the children she wasn’t molesting about love and sex and boys and religion and politics.

Institutions are necessary but if anything has been learned over the last three decades is that the moment they become beyond reproach is the moment they become magnets for predators.

People must insist on transparency with regard to all institutions and parents must demand in the loudest terms the power to terminate relations with schools and teachers with whom they feel the least bit uncomfortable without incurring cost or hardship.

Vouchers are the perfect solution to the latter.

Rapist Middle School Teacher Confronted

Rapist Middle School Teacher Confronted

 

Sheep Herder Rabbit

Here is a link to a rather bizarre video of a rabbit herding a flock of sheep. It can almost be a metaphor for hipsters and other Democrat Party supporters.Sheep Herder Rabbit Here is a link to a rather bizarre video of a rabbit herding a flock of sheep. It can almost be a metaphor for hipsters and other Democrat Party supporters. Here is a link to a rather bizarre video of a rabbit herding a flock of sheep. It can almost be a metaphor for hipsters and other Democrat Party supporters. Here is a link to a rather bizarre video of a rabbit herding a flock of sheep. It can almost be a metaphor for hipsters and other Democrat Party supporters.

Sheep Herder Rabbit