Category: AAA Off The Internet

Memes mostly

Affordable Boat Act

Affordable Boat Act


This particular “off the internet” i..e The Affordable Boat Act comes courtesy of Tom Flocco.

The U.S. government has just passed a new law called: “The affordable boat act” declaring that every citizen MUST purchase a new boat, by April 2014. These “affordable” boats will cost an average of $54,000-$155,000 each. This does not include taxes, trailers, towing fees, licensing and registration fees, fuel, docking and storage fees, maintenance or repair costs.

This law has been passed, because until now, typically only wealthy and financially responsible people have been able to purchase boats. This new law ensures that every American can now have an “affordable” boat of their own, because everyone is “entitled” to a new boat. If you purchase your boat before the end of the year, you will receive 4 “free” life jackets; not including monthly usage fees.

In order to make sure everyone purchases an affordable boat, the costs of owning a boat will increase on average of 250-400% per year. This way, wealthy people will pay more for something that other people don’t want or can’t afford to maintain. But to be fair, people who can’t afford to maintain their boat will be regularly fined and children (under the age of 26) can use their parents boats to party on until they turn 27; then must purchase their own boat.

If you already have a boat, you can keep yours (just kidding; no you can’t). If you don’t want or don’t need a boat, you are required to buy one anyhow. If you refuse to buy one or can’t afford one, you will be regularly fined $800 until you purchase one or face imprisonment.

Failure to use the boat will also result in fines. People living in the desert; ghettos; inner cities or areas with no access to lakes are not exempt. Age, motion sickness, experience, knowledge nor lack of desire are acceptable excuses for not using your boat.

A government review board (that doesn’t know the difference between the port, starboard or stern of a boat) will decide everything, including; when, where, how often and for what purposes you can use your boat along with how many people can ride your boat and determine if one is too old or healthy enough to be able to use their boat. They will also decide if your boat has out lived its usefulness or if you must purchase specific accessories(like a $500 compass), or a newer and more expensive boat.

Those that can afford yachts will be required to do so… it’s only fair. The government will also decide the name for each boat. Failure to comply with these rules will result in fines and possible imprisonment.

Government officials are exempt from this new law. If they want a boat, they and their families can obtain boats free, at the expense of tax payers. Unions, bankers and mega companies with large political affiliations ($$) are also exempt.

Visit BillLawrenceDittos.com for Affordable Boat Act
Visit BillLawrenceOnline.com for Affordable Boat Act
Visit BillLawrenceTrivia.com for Omnibits

Who Said It?

Who Said It?This Off the Internet Trivia Quiz is courtesy of Marie Matinelli

Six trivia questions to see how much history you really know.  Be honest, it’s kinda fun and revealing. If you don’t know the answer make your best guess. Answer all the questions (no cheating) before looking at the answers.

Who said it?

1. “We’re going to take things away from you on behalf of the common good.”

A. Karl Marx
B. Adolph Hitler
C. Joseph Stalin
D. Barack Obama

2. “It’s time for a new beginning, for an end to government of the few, by the few, and for the few…… And to replace it with shared responsibility, for shared prosperity.”

A. Lenin
B. Mussolini
C. Idi Amin
D. Barack Obama

3. “(We)…..can’t just let business as usual go on, and that means
something has to be taken away from some people.”

A.  Nikita   Khrushev
B. Josef Goebbels
C. Boris Yeltsin
D. Barack Obama

4. “We have to build a political consensus and that requires people to give
up a little bit of their own … in order to create this common ground.”

A. Mao Tse Dung
B. Hugo Chavez
C. Kim Jong Il
D. Barack Obama

5. “I certainly think the free-market has failed.”

A.  Karl Marx
B. Lenin
C. Molotov
D. Barack Obama

6. “I think it’s time to send a clear message to what has become the most profitable sector in (the) entire economy that they are being watched.”

A. Pinochet
B. Milosevic
C. Saddam Hussein
D. Barack Obama

Scroll down for answers

Answers
1. D. None of the above. Statement was made by Hillary Clinton
6/29/2004
2. D. None of the above. Statement was made by Hillary Clinton
5/29/2007
3. D. None of the above. Statement was made by Hillary Clinton
6/4/2007
4. D. None of the above. Statement was made by Hillary Clinton
6/4/2007
5. D. None of the above. Statement was made by Hillary Clinton
6/4/2007
6. D. None of the above. Statement was made by Hillary Clinton
9/2/2005

Want to know something scary? She may be the next president.

Who Said It?

Building Permit Mosque

Building Permit Mosque Hat tip Tom Flocco

Building Permit Mosque — I recently applied for a building permit for a new house.It was going to be 100 ft tall and 400 ft wide, with 9 gun turrets at various  heights, and windows all over the place and a loud outside entertainment  sound system.

Building Permit MosqueIt  would have parking for 200 cars, and I was going to paint it green  with pink trim.

The City Council told me; “Forget it…AIN’T  GONNA HAPPEN!”

So I sent in the application again, but this time  I called it a ‘Mosque’.

Work  starts on Monday.

I love this  country. It’s the Government I’m afraid of.

State Of The Nation Humor– Off The Internet

State Of The Nation Humor — Courtesy of Cathy Craddock

Ain’t it the truth!

WELCOME TO THE 21ST CENTURY!

*Our Phones ~ Wireless

*Cooking ~ Fireless

*Cars ~ Keyless

*Food ~ Fatless

*Tires ~ Tubeless

*Dress ~ Sleeveless

*Youth ~ Jobless

*Leaders ~ Shameless

*Relationships ~ Meaningless

*Attitude ~ Careless

*Wives ~ Fearless

*Babies ~ Fatherless

*Feelings ~ Heartless

*Education ~ Valueless

*Children ~ Mannerless

Everything is becoming LESS
but still our hopes are Endless
In fact we are ~ Speechless

And Congress is

-WORTHLESS !!

And our President is –
CLUELESS !!

World’s Shortest Books

Courtesy of Marie Martinelli

MY BLACK GIRLFRIENDS
By Tiger Woods

THINGS I LOVE ABOUT MY COUNTRY
By Jane Fonda, Cindy Sheehan
& Michelle Obama
Illustrated by Michael Moore
Foreword by George Soros

MY CHRISTIAN ACCOMPLISHMENTS
& HOW I HELPED AFTER KATRINA
By “The Rev Jesse Jackson” & “The Rev Al Sharpton”

THINGS I LOVE ABOUT BILL
By Hillary Clinton

Sequel: THINGS I LOVE ABOUT HILLARY
By Bill Clinton

THINGS I CANNOT AFFORD
By Bill Gates

THINGS I WOULD NOT DO FOR MONEY
By Dennis Rodman

THINGS WE KNOW TO BE TRUE
By Al Gore & John Kerry

GUIDE TO THE PACIFIC
By Amelia Earhart

HOW TO LIVE LIFE TO THE FULLEST
By Dr. Jack Kevorkian

TO ALL THE MEN WE HAVE LOVED BEFORE
By Ellen de Generes & Rosie O’Donnell

GUIDE TO DATING ETIQUETTE
By Mike Tyson

THE AMISH PHONE DIRECTORY
MY PLAN TO FIND THE REAL KILLERS
By O. J. Simpson & Casey Anthony

HOW TO DRINK & DRIVE SAFELY
By Ted Kennedy

MY BOOK ON MORALS
By Bill Clinton
With introduction by
The Rev. Jesse Jackson
And forward by
Tiger Woods with John Edwards

HOW TO WIN A SUPERBOWL
BY THE MINNESOTA VIKINGS

AND, JUST ADDED:
My Complete Knowledge of Military Strategy
By Nancy Pelosi

And the shortest book of them all…………………..
THINGS I DID TO DESERVE THE NOBEL PEACE PRIZE
By Barack Obama

 

World’s Shortest Books

Robinson High School Military Desk Lesson

Robinson High School Military Desk Lesson  Off the Internet–Courtesy of Cathy Domizio

Back in September of 2005, on the first day of school, Martha Cothren, a Military History teacher at Robinson High School in Little Rock , Arkansas , did something not to be forgotten. On the first day of school, with the permission of the school superintendent, the principal and the building supervisor, she removed all of the desks in her classroom.   When the first period kids entered the room they discovered that there were no desks.

‘Ms. Cothren, where are our desks?’

She replied, ‘You can’t have a desk until you tell me how you earn the right to sit at a desk.’

They thought, ‘Well, maybe it’s our grades.’

‘No,’ she said.

‘Maybe it’s our behavior.’

She told them, ‘No, it’s not even your behavior.’

And so, they came and went, the first period, second period, third period. Still no desks in the classroom.

Kids called their parents to tell them what was happening and by early afternoon television news crews had started gathering at the school to report about this crazy teacher who had taken all the desks out of her room.

The final period of the day came and as the puzzled students found seats on the floor of the deskless classroom, Martha Cothren said, ‘Throughout the day no one has been able to tell me just what he or she has done to earn the right to sit at the desks that are ordinarily found in this classroom. Now I am going to tell you.’

At this point, Martha Cothren went over to the door of her classroom and opened it.

Twenty-seven (27) U.S. Veterans, all in uniform, walked into that classroom, each one carrying a school desk. The Vets began placing the school desks in rows, and then they would walk over and stand alongside the wall. By the time the last soldier had set the final desk in place those kids started to understand, perhaps for the first time in their lives, just how the right to sit at those desks had been earned.

Martha said, ‘You didn’t earn the right to sit at these desks. These heroes did it for you. They placed the desks here for you. They went halfway around the world, giving up their education and interrupting their careers and families so you could have the freedom you have.

Now, it’s up to you to sit in them. It is your responsibility to learn, to be good students, to be good citizens. They paid the price so that you could have the freedom to get an education. don’t ever forget it.’

By the way, this is a true story. And this teacher was awarded Veterans of Foreign Wars Teacher of the Year for the state of Arkansas in 2006. She is the daughter of a WWII POW.

Robinson High School Military Desk Lesson Robinson High School Military Desk Lesson

Robinson High School Military Desk Lesson

WD-40 (But It’s Not Fish Oil)

WD-40 (But It’s Not Fish Oil)

Courtesy of Ed Brophy and Cathy Craddock

I had a neighbor who bought a new pickup.
I got up very early one Sunday morning and saw that someone had spray painted red all around the sides of this beige truck (for some unknown reason).
I went over, woke him up, and told him the bad news.
He was very upset and was trying to figure out what to do…. probably nothing until Monday morning, since nothing was open.
Another neighbor came out and told him to get his WD-40 and clean it off.
It removed the unwanted paint beautifully and did not harm his paint job that was on the truck. I was impressed!

WD-40 who knew?
“Water Displacement #40”.
The product began from a search for a rust preventative solvent and degreaser to protect missile parts.
WD-40 was created in 1953, by three technicians at the San Diego Rocket Chemical Company.
Its name comes from the project that was to find a ‘Water Displacement’ Compound.
They were finally successful for a formulation, with their fortieth attempt, thus WD-40.
The ‘Convair Company’ bought it in bulk to protect their atlas missile parts.
Ken East (one of the original founders) says there is nothing in WD-40 that would hurt you.
When you read the ‘shower door’ part, try it.
It’s the first thing that has ever cleaned that spotty shower door.
If yours is plastic, it works just as well as on glass.
It’s a miracle!
Then try it on your stove-top.
It’s now shinier than it’s ever been.
You’ll be amazed.

WD-40 Uses:
1. Protects silver from tarnishing.
2. Removes road tar and grime from cars.
3. Cleans and lubricates guitar strings.
4. Gives floor that ‘just-waxed’ sheen without making them slippery.
5. Keeps the flies off of Cows, Horses, and other Farm Critters, as well. (Ya gotta love this one!!!)
6. Restores and cleans chalkboards.
7. Removes lipstick stains.
8. Loosens stubborn zippers.
9. Untangles jewelry chains.
10. Removes stains from stainless steel sinks.
11. Removes dirt and grime from the barbecue grill.
12. Keeps ceramic / terracotta garden pots from oxidizing.
13. Removes tomato stains from clothing.
14. Keeps glass shower doors free of water spots.
15. Camouflages scratches in ceramic and marble floors.
16. Keeps scissors working smoothly.
17. Lubricates noisy door hinges on both home and vehicles doors.
18. It removes that nasty tar and scuff marks from the kitchen flooring.
It doesn’t seem to harm the finish and you won’t have to scrub nearly as hard to get them off.
Just remember to open some windows if you have a lot of marks.
19. Remove those nasty Bug guts that will eat away the finish on your car if not removed quickly!
20. Gives a children’s playground gym slide a shine for a super fast slide.
21. Lubricates gearshift and mower deck lever for ease of handling on riding mowers…
22. Rids kids rocking chair and swings of squeaky noises.
23. Lubricates tracks in sticking home windows and makes them easier to open.
24. Spraying an umbrella stem makes it easier to open and close.
25. Restores and cleans padded leather dashboards in vehicles, as well as vinyl bumpers.
26. Restores and cleans roof racks on vehicles.
27. Lubricates and stops squeaks in electric fans.
28. Lubricates wheel sprockets on tricycles, wagons, and bicycles for easy handling.
29. Lubricates fan belts on washers and dryers and keeps them running smoothly.
30. Keeps rust from forming on saws and saw blades, and other tools.
31. Removes grease splatters from stove-tops.
32. Keeps bathroom mirror from fogging.
33. Lubricates prosthetic limbs.
34. Keeps pigeons off the balcony (they hate the smell).
35. Removes all traces of duct tape.
36. Folks even spray it on their arms, hands, and knees to relieve arthritis pain.
37. Florida’s favorite use is: ‘cleans and removes love bugs from grills and bumpers.’
38. The favorite use in the state of New York, it protects the Statue of Liberty from the elements.
39. WD-40 attracts fish. Spray a little on live bait or lures and you will be catching the big one in no time. Also, it’s a lot cheaper than the chemical attractants that are made for just that purpose.
Keep in mind though, using some chemical laced baits or lures for fishing are not allowed in some states.
40. Use it for fire ant bites. It takes the sting away immediately and stops the itch.
41. It is great for removing crayon from walls. Spray it on the marks and wipe with a clean rag.
42. Also, if you’ve discovered that your teenage daughter has washed and dried a tube of lipstick with a load of laundry, saturate the lipstick spots with WD-40 and rewash. Presto! The lipstick is gone!
43. If you spray it inside a wet distributor cap, it will displace the moisture, allowing the engine to start.

P.S.
As for that Basic, Main Ingredient…….
Well…. it’s FISH OIL….

Ed note: Since WD-40 was never patented to keep from being required to list its ingredients its not known exactly what it is in it, but Material Safety Data Sheet specs for it show that it is mostly petroleum based. Btw, the Snopes link also notes that while the manufacturer confirms you can uses it’s product for many of the uses cited in the internet legend, it  does not recommend it for all of them.

WD-40 (But It’s Not Fish Oil)

WD-40 (But It's Not Fish Oil)

Land With No Republicans

Land With No Republicans — Hat tip Bob Guzzardi

Wow, just imagine what life could be if the whole country was without Republicans.

A wonderful State with ZERO Republicans!!!

There are more people on Welfare in Illinois than there are people working.

Chicago pays the highest wages to teachers– than anywhere else in the U.S. averaging $110,000/year.

Their pensions average 80-90% of their income. You can’t blame that on republicans because there aren’t any.

Wow, are Illinois and Chicago great or what?

Be sure to read till the end. I’ve never heard it explained better.

Perhaps the U.S. should pull out of Chicago ?

Body count: In the last six months 292 killed (murdered) in Chicago .
221 killed in Iraq AND Chicago has one of the strictest gun laws in the entire US.

Here’s the Chicago chain of command:

· President: Barack Hussein Obama

· Senator: Dick Durbin

· House Representative: Jesse Jackson Jr.

· Governor: Pat Quinn

· House leader: Mike Madigan

· Atty. Gen.: Lisa Madigan (daughter of Mike)

· Mayor: Rohm Emanuel

· The leadership in Illinois – all Democrats.

· Thank you for the combat zone in Chicago .

· Of course, they’re all blaming each other.

· Can’t blame Republicans; there aren’t any!

· Chicago school system rated one of the worst in the country. Can’t blame Republicans; there aren’t any!

· State pension fund $78 Billion in debt, worst in country. Can’t blame Republicans; there aren’t any!

· Cook County ( Chicago ) sales tax 10.25% highest in country. Can’t blame Republicans; there aren’t any!

· This is the political culture that Obama comes from in Illinois . And he is going to ‘fix’ Washington politics for us???

· George Ryan is no longer Governor, he is in the big house.

· Of course he was replaced by Rob Blajegovitch who is…that’s right, also in the big house.

· And Representative Jesse Jackson Jr. resigned a couple of weeks ago. That is because he is fighting being sent to…that’s right, the big house.

· The Land of Lincoln , where our governors make our license plates.

But you know what?

As long as they keep providing entitlements to the population of Chicago , nothing is going to change, except the state will go broke before the country does.

“Any man who thinks he can be happy and prosperous by letting the Government take care of him – better take a closer look at the American Indian.”

Land With No Republicans

Divorce Agreement — Off the Internet

Divorce Agreement  — Hat tip Pat Keevil

DIVORCE AGREEMENT–
WRITTEN BY YOUNG COLLEGE STUDENT
The person who wrote this is a college (law) student.. Perhaps there is hope for us after all.

DIVORCE AGREEMENT

THIS IS SO INCREDIBLY WELL PUT AND I CAN HARDLY BELIEVE IT’S BY A YOUNG PERSON, A STUDENT!!! WHATEVER HE RUNS FOR, I’LL VOTE FOR HIM.

Dear American liberals, leftists, social progressives, socialists, Marxists and Obama supporters, et al: We have stuck together since the late 1950’s for the sake of the kids, but the whole of this latest election process has made me realize that I want a divorce. I know we tolerated each other for many years for the sake of future generations, but sadly, this relationship has clearly run its course.

Our two ideological sides of America cannot and will not ever agree on what is right for us all, so let’s just end it on friendly terms. We can smile and chalk it up to irreconcilable differences and go our own way.

Here is a our separation agreement:

–Our two groups can equitably divide up the country by landmass each taking a similar portion. That will be the difficult part, but I am sure our two sides can come to a friendly agreement. After that, it should be relatively easy! Our respective representatives can effortlessly divide other assets since both sides have such distinct and disparate tastes.

–We don’t like redistributive taxes so you can keep them.

–You are welcome to the liberal judges and the ACLU.
–Since you hate guns and war, we’ll take our firearms, the cops, the NRA and the military.

–We’ll take the nasty, smelly oil industry and the coal mines, and you can go with wind, solar and bio diesel.

–You can keep Oprah, Michael Moore and Rosie O’Donnell. You are, however, responsible for finding a bio-diesel vehicle big enough to move all three of them.

–We’ll keep capitalism, greedy corporations, pharmaceutical companies, Wal-Mart and Wall Street.

–You can have your beloved lifelong welfare dwellers, food stamps, homeless, home boys, hippies, druggies and illegal aliens.

–We’ll keep the hot Alaskan hockey moms, greedy CEO’s and rednecks.

–We’ll keep Bill O’Reilly, and Bibles and give you NBC and Hollywood .

–You can make nice with Iran and Palestine and we’ll retain the right to invade and hammer places that threaten us.

–You can have the peaceniks and war protesters. When our allies or our way of life are under assault, we’ll help p rovide them security.

–We’ll keep our Judeo-Christian values.

–You are welcome to Islam, Scientology, Humanism, political correctness and Shirley McClain. You can also have the U.N. But we will no longer be paying the bill.

–We’ll keep the SUV’s, pickup trucks and oversized luxury cars. You can take every Volt and Leaf you can find.

–You can give everyone healthcare if you can find any practicing doctors.

–We’ll keep “The Battle Hymn of the Republic” and “The National Anthem.”

–I’m sure you’ll be happy to substitute “Imagine”, “I’d Like to Teach the World to Sing”, “Kum Ba Ya” or “We Are the World”.

–We’ll practice trickle-down economics and you can continue to give trickle up poverty your best shot.

–Since it often so offends you, we’ll keep our history, our name and our flag.

Would you agree to this? If so, please pass it along to other like-minded liberal and conservative patriots and if you do not agree, just hit delete. In the spirit of friendly parting, I’ll bet you might think about which one of us will need whose help in 15 years.

Sincerely,

John J. Wall

Law Student and an American

P.S. Also, please take Ted Turner, Sean Penn, Martin & Charlie Sheen, Barbara Streisand, & ( Hanoi ) Jane Fonda with you.

P.S.S. And you won’t have to press 1 for English when you call our country.

Forward This Every Time You Get It ! Let’s Keep This Going, Maybe Some Of It Will Start Sinking In!!

Divorce Agreement

Inspirational Music To Start Your Day

Courtesy of Fran Coppock

 

Ray Stevens Come to the USA