Category: AAA Off The Internet

Memes mostly

Dem Convention First Day Schedule

The Democrats Convention opens Tuesday. Here is the tentative off-the-internet schedule for the first day:

3:30 PM – Entrance parade of corrupt union bosses, homosexual activists, abortion doctors, aged “our movement will rise again” hippies, Black Panthers, anti-war (unless a Democrat is waging it) activists, “we’re-not-illegal-we’re-undocumented-immigrants-so-let-us-in-your-country-and-give-us-licenses” advocates and “free speech as long as you agree with us” radicals.

4:00 PM – Opening Flag Burning Ceremony
4:05 PM – Singing of “God Damn America” led by Rev. Jeremiah Wright
4:10 PM – Pledge of Allegiance to Obama
4:15 PM – Ceremonial I hate America led by Michelle Obama
4:30 PM – Tips on Dodging Sniper Fire – Hillary Clinton
4:45 PM – Rev Jessie Jackson Leads Castrati Choir in Singing “Great Balls of Fire”
5:00 PM – UFO Abduction Survival – Joe Biden
5:30 PM – Eliot Spitzer Speaks on “Family Values” via Satellite
5:45 PM – Tribute to All 57 States
6:00 PM – Joe Biden Delivers 100,000-Word Speech Featuring 23-Minute Question and 2-Hour Answer
8:30 PM – Airing of Grievances by the Clintons
9:00 PM – Bill Clinton Delivers Rousing Endorsement of Obama Girl
9:15 PM – Tribute Film to Freedom Fighters at Gitmo – Michael Moore
9:45 PM – Personal Finance Seminar – Charlie Rangle
10:00 PM – Denunciation of Bitter Gun Owners
10:30 PM – Ceremonial Waving of White Flag for IRAQ, & Afghanistan
11:00 PM – Obama Energy Plan Symposium/Tire Gauge Demonstration
11:15 PM – Free Gov. Blagojevich rally
11:30 PM – Obama Accepts Tony and Latin Grammy Awards
11:45 PM – Feeding of the Delegates with 5 Loaves and 2 Fish – Obama Presiding
12:00 AM – Official Nomination of Obama by Bill Maher
12:01 AM – Obama Accepts Nomination for Lord and Savior
12:05 AM – Celestial Choirs Sing
3:00 AM – Biden Delivers Acceptance Speech

Dem Convention First Day Schedule

Being Green With Grocery Bags

Courtesy Cathy Martin
Being Green
Checking out at the store, the young cashier suggested to the older  woman, that she should bring her own grocery bags because plastic bags  weren’t good for the environment.
The woman apologized and explained, “We didn’t have this green thing  back in my earlier days.”
The young clerk responded, “That’s our problem today. Your generation  did not care enough to save our environment for future generations.”
She was right — our generation didn’t have the green thing in its day.
Back then, we returned milk bottles, soda bottles and beer bottles to  the store. The store sent them back to the plant to be washed and  sterilized and refilled, so it could use the same bottles over and  over. So they really were recycled.
But we didn’t have the green thing back in our day.
Grocery stores bagged our groceries in brown paper bags, that we  reused for numerous things, most memorable besides household garbage  bags, was the use of brown paper bags as book covers for our  schoolbooks. This was to ensure that public property, (the books  provided for our use by the school) was not defaced by our  scribblings. Then we were able to personalize our books on the brown  paper bags.
But too bad we didn’t do the green thing back then.
We walked up stairs, because we didn’t have an escalator in every  store and office building. We walked to the grocery store and didn’t  climb into a 300-horsepower machine every time we had to go two  blocks.
But she was right. We didn’t have the green thing in our day.
Back then, we washed the baby’s diapers because we didn’t have the  throwaway kind. We dried clothes on a line, not in an energy-gobbling  machine burning up 220 volts — wind and solar power really did dry  our clothes back in our early days. Kids got hand-me-down clothes from  their brothers or sisters, not always brand-new clothing.
But that young lady is right; we didn’t have the green thing back in our day.
Back then, we had one TV, or radio, in the house — not a TV in every  room. And the TV had a small screen the size of a handkerchief  (remember them?), not a screen the size of the state of Montana . In  the kitchen, we blended and stirred by hand because we didn’t have  electric machines to do everything for us. When we packaged a fragile  item to send in the mail, we used wadded up old newspapers to cushion  it, not Styrofoam or plastic bubble wrap. Back then, we didn’t fire up  an engine and burn gasoline just to cut the lawn. We used a push mower  that ran on human power. We exercised by working so we didn’t need to  go to a health club to run on treadmills that operate on electricity.
But she’s right; we didn’t have the green thing back then.
We drank from a fountain when we were thirsty instead of using a cup  or a plastic bottle every time we had a drink of water. We refilled  writing pens with ink instead of buying a new pen, and we replaced the  razor blades in a razor instead of throwing away the whole razor just  because the blade got dull.
But we didn’t have the green thing back then.
Back then, people took the streetcar or a bus and kids rode their  bikes to school or walked instead of turning their moms into a 24-hour  taxi service.. We had one electrical outlet in a room, not an entire  bank of sockets to power a dozen appliances. And we didn’t need a  computerized gadget to receive a signal beamed from satellites 23,000  miles out in space in order to find the nearest burger joint.
But isn’t it sad the current generation laments how wasteful we old  folks were just because we didn’t have the green thing back then?
Please forward this on to another selfish old person who needs a  lesson in conservation from a smartass young person…
We don’t like being old in the first place, so it doesn’t take much to tick us off.
Being Green With Grocery Bags
Being Green With Grocery Bags

Off The Internet — Bag It

Courtesy of Cathy Craddock

When it comes to plastic shopping bags, the Europeans do have a better sense of humor.

Nerd Jokes

If you don’t get them, take heart. It means you’re not a nerd.

1. Knock Knock, Who’s there?, To, To who?, No, to whom

2. Argon walks into a bar. The bartender says, “We don’t serve noble gases here!”. Argon doesn’t react.

3. How many computer programmers does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Whoa no! That is a hardware problem!

4. Q: How many ears does Spock have? A: 3, a right ear, a left ear and a final frontier.

5. While you would think that the glass is half empty of half full engineers think that the glass is two times larger than it needs to be while

6. politicians would say that the glass would more empty if the opposition was in charge and

7. surrealists would try to believe that the glass is half of a slowly rotting lemon while

8. scientists would believe that you cannot predict how full the glass is because you changed the outcome just by measuring it.

9. A higgs boson particle walks into a church and the Preacher says, “You can’t be in here! You call yourself the god particle and that’s sacrilegious!”. The Higgs boson says, “But without you couldn’t have mass!”

10. Heisenburg and Schrodinger are driving in a car when they are pulled over by a police officer. He asks, “Do you know how fast you were going?” Heisenburg replied, “Nope, but I knew exactly where I was!”.  The police officer thought that this was quite a suspicious answer so he searched the car and found a dead cat in the trunk. He asked, “Did you know that there is a dead cat in your trunk?” Schrodinger said, “I do now!”

Nerd Jokes

Nerd Jokes

Remember Irena Sendler

Courtesy Judy McGrane

Irena Sendler Died: May 12, 2008 (aged 98)

Warsaw, Poland During WWII, Irena, got permission to work in the Warsaw ghetto to check for typhus, which the Nazis feared might spread beyond the ghetto.

She had an ulterior motive.

Irena smuggled Jewish infants out in the bottom of the tool box she carried.

She also carried a burlap sack in the back of her truck, for larger kids.

Irena kept a dog in the back that she trained to bark when the Nazi soldiers let her in and out of the ghetto.

The soldiers, of course, wanted nothing to do with the dog and the barking covered the kids/infants noises.

During her time of doing this, she managed to smuggle out and save 2500 kids/infants.

Ultimately, she was caught, however, and the Nazi’s broke both of her legs and arms and beat her severely.

Irena kept a record of the names of all the kids she had smuggled out,

In a glass jar that she buried under a tree in her back yard.

After the war, she tried to locate any parents that may have survived and tried to reunite the family.

Most had been gassed. Those kids she helped got placed into foster family homes or adopted.

In 2007 Irena was up for the Nobel Peace Prize. She was not selected.

Al Gore won, for a slide show on Global Warming.

Later another politician,Barack Hussein Obama, won for his work as a community organizer for ACORN.

In MEMORIAM – 65 YEARS LATER

I’m doing my small part by forwarding this message.

I hope you’ll consider doing the same.

It is now more than 65 years since the Second World War in Europe ended.

This e-mail is being sent as a memorial chain,

In memory of the six million Jews, 20 million Russians, 10 million Christians and 1,900 Catholic priests

Who were murdered, massacred, raped, burned, starved and humiliated!

Now, more than ever, with Iran , and others, claiming the HOLOCAUST to be ‘a myth’.

It’s imperative to make sure the world never forgets,

Because there are others who would like to do it again.

This e-mail is intended to reach 40 million people worldwide!

Please send this e-mail to people you know and ask them to continue the memorial chain.

Please don’t just delete it. It will only take you a minute to pass this along

Remember Irena Sendler

Remember Irena Sendler

Off The Internet: Class Always Shows

Courtesy of Judy McGrane

A doctor had his TV on in his office when the news of the military base shootings at Ft. Hood, TX came on. The husband of one of his employees was stationed there.

He called her into his office and as he told her what had happened, she got a text message from her husband saying, “I am okay.” Her cell phone rang right after she read the message. It was an ER nurse, Im the one who just sent you a text, not your husband.
I thought it would be comforting but I was mistaken in doing so. I am sorry to tell you this, but your husband has been shot 4 times and he is in surgery.”

The soldier’s wife left Southern Clinic in Dothan, AL and drove all night to Ft.Hood. When she arrived, she found out her husband was out of surgery and would be OK.  She rushed to his room and found that he already had two  visitors there to comfort him.

He was just waking up and found his wife and the visitors by his side. The nurse took this picture:

What? No news crews and cameras? This is how people with class respond and pay respect to those in uniform.
I sent my cousin in Fayetteville , N.C. (Retired from Special Forces) that picture of Geo. W. visiting the wounded at Ft. Hood . I got this reply:

What is even better is the fact George W. Bush heard about Fort Hood, got in his car without any escort, apparently they did not have time to react, and drove to Fort Hood. He was stopped at the gate and the guard could not believe who he had just stopped. Bush only asks for directions to the hospital then drove on. The gate guard called that “The President is on Fort Hood and driving to the hospital.”

The base went bananas looking for Obama. When they found it was Bush, they immediately offered escort. Bush simply told them it was okay and to let him visit the wounded and the     dependents of the dead.

He stayed at Fort Hood for over six hours, and was finally asked to leave by a message from the White House.

Obama flew in days later and held a “photo opportunity” session in a gym, and did not even go to the hospital.

This Bush/Obama/Ft.Hood story is something that should be sent to every voter in the US . Those who wanted “change”.  You certainly got it.

Why I Am Depressed

Courtesy of Cathy Martin

Over five thousand years ago, Moses said to the children of Israel , “Pick  up your shovels, mount your asses  and camels, and I will  lead you to the Promised Land.”

Nearly 75 years ago, (when Welfare was introduced) Roosevelt said, “Lay down your shovels, sit on your asses, and light up a Camel, this is the Promised Land.”

Today, Congress has stolen your shovel, taxed your asses, raised the price of Camels and mortgaged the Promised Land!

I was so depressed last night thinking about Health Care Plans, the economy, multiple wars, lost jobs, savings, Social Security, retirement funds, etc. .  .. . I called a Suicide Hotline.  I had to press 1 for English.

I was connected to a call center in Pakistan.  I told them I was suicidal. They got excited and asked if I could drive a truck……

Folks, we’re in trouble!

Why I Am Depressed

Women And Sharks

Judy McGrane has submitted this interesting video called Woman and Sharks

God Bless Canada And America

 Courtesy of Cathy Craddock

Thought you might like to read this letter to the editor. Ever notice how some people just seem to know how to write a letter?

This one surely does!

This was written by a Canadian woman, but oh how it also applies to the U.S.A. , U.K. And Australia .

THIS ONE PACKS A FIRM PUNCH

Written by a housewife in New Brunswick , to her local newspaper. This is one ticked off lady…

“Are we fighting a war on terror or aren’t we? Was it or was it not, started by Islamic people who brought it to our shores on September 11, 2001and have continually threatened to do so since?

Were people from all over the world, not brutally murdered that day, in downtown Manhattan , across the Potomac from the capitol of the USA and in a field in Pennsylvania ?

Did nearly three thousand men, women and children die a horrible, burning or crushing death that day, or didn’t they?

And I’m supposed to care that a few Taliban were claiming to be tortured by a justice system of a nation they are fighting against in a brutal Insurgency.

I’ll care about the Koran when the fanatics in the Middle East, start caring about the Holy Bible, the mere belief of which, is a crime punishable by beheading in Afghanistan.

I’ll care when these thugs tell the world they are sorry for hacking off Nick Berg’s head, while Berg screamed through his gurgling slashed throat.

I’ll care when the cowardly so-called ‘insurgents’ in Afghanistan , come out and fight like men, instead of disrespecting their own religion by hiding in Mosques and behind women and children.

I’ll care when the mindless zealots who blow themselves up in search of Nirvana, care about the innocent children within range of their suicide Bombs.

I’ll care when the Canadian media stops pretending that their freedom of Speech on stories, is more important than the lives of the soldiers on the ground or their families waiting at home, to hear about them when something happens.

In the meantime, when I hear a story about a CANADIAN soldier roughing up an Insurgent terrorist to obtain information, know this:

I don’t care.

When I see a wounded terrorist get shot in the head when he is told not to move because he might be booby-trapped, you can take it to the bank:

I don’t care. Shoot him again.

When I hear that a prisoner, who was issued a Koran and a prayer mat, and fed ‘special’ food, that is paid for by my tax dollars, is complaining that his holy book is being ‘mishandled,’ you can absolutely believe, in your heart of hearts:

I don’t care.

And oh, by the way, I’ve noticed that sometimes it’s spelled ‘Koran’ and other times ‘Quran.’ Well, Jimmy Crack Corn you guessed it.

I don’t care!!

If you agree with this viewpoint, pass this on to all your E-mail Friends. Sooner or later, it’ll get to the people responsible for this ridiculous behavior!

If you don’t agree, then by all means hit the delete button. Should you choose the latter, then please don’t complain when more atrocities committed by radical Muslims happen here in our great Country! And may I add:

Some people spend an entire lifetime wondering, if during their life on earth, they made a difference in the world. But, the Soldiers don’t have that problem.

I have another quote that I would like to share AND…I hope you forward All this.

One last thought for the day:

Only five defining forces have ever offered to die for you:

1. Jesus Christ

2. The British Soldier.

3. The Canadian Soldier.

4. The US Soldier, and

5. The Australian Soldier

One died for your soul, the other four, for you and your children’s Freedom.

YOU MIGHT WANT TO PASS THIS ON, AS MANY SEEM TO FORGET!

AMEN! GOD BLESS CANADA AND AMERICA.

 

God Bless Canada And America

Holy Humor — Off The Internet

Holy Humor — Off The Internet

Courtesy of Cathy Martin

During these serious and troubled times, people of all faiths should remember these four great religious truths:

1. Muslims do not recognize Jews as God’s Chosen People.
2. Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah.
3.Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christian world.
4. Baptists do not recognize each other at the liquor store.

GOOD SAMARITAN
A Sunday school teacher was telling her class the story of the Good Samaritan.
She asked the class, “If you saw a person lying on the roadside, all wounded and bleeding, what would you do?” A thoughtful little girl broke the hushed silence, “I think I’d throw up..”

DID NOAH FISH?
A Sunday school teacher asked, “Johnny, do you think Noah did a lot of fishing when he was on the Ark ?” “No,” replied Johnny. “How could he, with just two worms.”

THE LORD IS MY SHEPHERD
A Sunday School teacher decided to have her young class memorize one of the most quoted passages in the Bible – Psalm 23 . She gave the youngsters a month to learn the chapter. Little Rick was excited about the task – but he just couldn’t remember the Psalm. After much practice, he could barely get past the first line. On the day that the kids were scheduled to recite Psalm 23 in front of the congregation, Ricky was so nervous. When it was his turn, he stepped up to the microphone and said proudly, “The Lord is my Shepherd, and that’s all I need to know.”

UNANSWERED PRAYER
The preacher’s 5 year-old daughter noticed that her father always paused and bowed his head for a moment before starting his sermon. One day, she asked him why. “Well, Honey,” he began, proud that his daughter was so observant of his messages. “I’m asking the Lord to help me preach a good sermon.” “How come He doesn’t answer it?” she asked.

BEING THANKFUL
A Rabbi said to a precocious six-year-old boy, “So your mother says your prayers for you each night? That’s very commendable. What does she say?” The little boy replied, “Thank God he’s in bed!”

ALL MEN / ALL GIRLS
When my daughter, Kelli, said her bedtime prayers, she would bless every family member, every friend, and every animal (current and past).. For several weeks, after we had finished the nightly prayer, Kelli would say, “And all girls.” This soon became part of her nightly routine, to include this closing. My curiosity got the best of me and I asked her, “Kelli, why do you always add the part about all girls?” Her response, “Because everybody always finish their prayers by saying ‘All Men’!”

SAY A PRAYER
Little Johnny and his family were having Sunday dinner at his Grandmother’s house. Everyone was seated around the table as the food was being served. When Little Johnny received his plate, he started eating right away. “Johnny! Please wait until we say our prayer.” said his mother. “I don’t need to,” the boy replied.. “Of course, you do “his mother insisted. “We always say a prayer before eating at our house.” “That’s at our house.” Johnny explained. “But this is Grandma’s house and she knows how to cook.”

 

Holy Humor — Off The Internet

Holy Humor -- Off The Internet