Category: Humor

Bulgaria Disses Russia Comic Style

Bulgaria Disses Russia Comic StyleBulgaria Disses Russia Comic Style

On the eve of the Bulgarian Socialist Party’s celebration of its 123rd Anniversary, some crazy kids decided to dress up the figures in an old Soviet war memorial in Sofia like American comic book characters.

And Santa Claus, and, it looks like, Ronald McDonald, too.

It certainly has peeved the Russians. They issued a demand to the Bulgarian government that it identify and punish those responsible and take “exhaustive measures” to prevent similar attacks in the future.

What those vandals better be afraid of is McDonald’s. The corporation is a ravenous grizzly bear when it comes to defending its trademark.

For those concerned about mocking the sacrifice of of the Soviet solider during World War II, please remember that the Soviet Union was Nazi Germany’s first shooting ally in the war and that the war never would have happened with the Soviet Union’s full and enthusiastic cooperation.

And those Soviet soldiers did not liberate Bulgaria but kept it enslaved for almost a half century until Ronald Reagan (well George H.W. Bush actually) ripped asunder the Iron Curtain.

Hat tip Bryan Preston at PJMedia.com

Washington Fighting Honkies

Washington Fighting Honkies and Rush Limbaugh
A possible symbol for the Washington Fighting Honkies

The pompous, self-righteous types among the sports media are still on their crusade to change the name of the Washington Redskins to something else.

Hey gang, did you ever think that there might be other issues of far more immediate import to the defense of human dignity?

That’s not conceding  that the name of Washington’s NFL franchise is somehow an offense to human dignity.

It is rather frequent that a word or symbol designed as an insult becomes a point of pride. Yankee as in New York Yankees started as insult. Rebel as in UNLV Running Rebels was meant to give offense.

In politics, whigs was originally a derogatory term for the derided English cattle-driver. It became the name of a major political party here and in Britain. Their British opponents — the Tories — trace their name to the Irish word for thief.

Any of you Horace Greeleys  ever ponder why most Christian churches have a cross on the steeple?

So to help keep the peace and to illustrate the hypocrisy and ultimate intolerance practiced by the pseudo-tolerant who rule the old media, we are going to again suggest a name change for Washington — this time The Fighting Honkies.

I want to see RGIII stand in the television lights after leading his team to an heroic come-from-behind win and say “I am proud to be a Fighting Honky”

I want to see the many Washington fans in the District declare themselves to be Fighting Honky Nation. I want to see them wear the burgundy and gold colors of The Fighting Honkies, and wave giant foam fingers saying Fighting Honkies #1 and t-shirts saying Fighting Honkies Rule.

That would actually be a rather great day for race relations.

 

Ultimate Weather Forecast

Below is yesterday’s (March 12) forecast from the National Weather Service for the Baltimore/Washington D.C. area as per Wired.com.

It’s a keeper.

WE SOMETIMES SAY THE FORECAST HAS SOMETHING FOR EVERYONE. I THINK WE CAN
TAKE THAT LITERALLY AT THE MOMENT . . . AS THIS FORECAST HAS ALMOST
EVERY POSSIBLE WEATHER TYPE/HAZARD . . . IN THE FIRST 36 HOURS. STRONG
TO SEVERE STORMS . . . SNOW . . . WIND CHILLS. . . STRONG WINDS . . .
UNSEASONABLY WARM TEMPS . . . UNSEASONABLY COLD TEMPS . . . POTENTIAL
FIRE WEATHER CONCERNS . . . MINOR COASTAL FLOOD POTENTIAL . . . THERE IS
NOT MUCH LEFT.

 

Church Ring Bears With Other Stories

Church Ring Bears With Other Stories  is courtesy of Cathy Craddock

 

A little boy was in a relative’s wedding.

As he was coming down the aisle, he would take two steps, stop, and turn to the crowd.

While facing the crowd, he would put his hands up like claws and roar.

So it went, step, step, ROAR, step, step, ROAR, all the way down the aisle.

As you can imagine, the crowd was near tears from laughing so hard by the time he reached the pulpit.

When asked what he was doing, the child sniffed and said, “I was being the Ring Bear.”

* * *

One Sunday in a Midwest City ,

A young child was “acting up” during the morning worship hour.

The parents did their best to maintain some sense of order in the pew

but were losing the battle.

Finally, the father picked the little fellow up

and walked sternly up the aisle on his way out.

Just before reaching the safety of the foyer,

the little one called loudly to the congregation,

“Pray for me! Pray for me!”

* * *

One particular four-year old prayed,

“And forgive us our trash baskets, as we forgive those who put trash in our baskets.”

* * *

A little boy was overheard praying:

“Lord, if you can’t make me a better boy, don’t worry about it;

I’m having a real good time like I am.”

* * *

A Sunday School teacher asked her little children, as they were on the way to church service,

“And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?”

One bright little girl replied, “Because people are sleeping.”

* * *

A little boy opened the big and old family Bible with fascination,

Looking at the old pages as he turned them.

Then something fell out of the Bible.

He picked it up and looked at it closely.

It was an old leaf from a tree that has been pressed in between the pages.

“Mama, look what I found,” the boy called out..

“What have you got there, dear?” his mother asked.

With astonishment in the young boy’s voice he answered,

“It’s Adam’s suit”.

* * *

The preacher was wired for sound with a lapel mike, and as he preached, he moved briskly about the platform, jerking the mike cord as he went.

Then he moved to one side, getting wound up in the cord and nearly tripping before jerking it again.

After several more circles and yanks on the mike cord, a little girl in the third pew leaned toward her mother and whispered,

“If he gets loose, will he hurt us?”

* * *

Six-year old Angie , and her four-year old brother, Joel , were sitting together in church.

Joel giggled, sang and talked out loud.

Finally, his big sister had had enough.

“You’re not supposed to talk out loud in church.”

“Why? Who’s going to stop me?” Joel asked.

Angie pointed to the back of the church and said,

“See those two men standing by the door?

They’re hushers.”

* * *

My grandson was visiting one day when he asked, “Grandma, do you know how you and God are alike?”

I mentally polished my halo, while I asked, “No, how are we alike?”

“You’re both old,” he replied.

* * *

A ten-year old, under the tutelage of her grandmother, was becoming quite knowledgeable about the Bible.

Then, one day, she floored her grandmother by asking, “Which Virgin was the mother of Jesus ? The Virgin Mary or the  King James Virgin ?”

* * *

A Sunday school class was studying the Ten Commandments.

They were ready to discuss the last one.

The teacher asked if anyone could tell her what it was.

Susie raised her hand, stood tall, and quoted,

“Thou shall not take the covers off the neighbor’s wife.”

Church Ring Bears With Other Stories

Why You Must Fish, Hunt

This Off the Internet is Courtesy of Cathy Martin

I was walking down the street when I was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked me for a couple of dollars for dinner.

I took out my wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked,”If I give you this money, “Will you use it to go fishing instead of buying food?” I asked.

“No, I don’t waste time fishing,” the homeless man said..”I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive.”

“Will you spend this on hunting equipment?” I asked.

“Are you NUTS!” replied the homeless man. “I haven’t gone hunting in 20 years!”

“Well,” I said, “I’m not going to give you money. Instead, I’m going to take you home for a shower and a terrific dinner cooked by my wife.”

The homeless man was astounded. “Won’t your wife be furious with you for doing that?

I replied, “Don’t worry about that. It’s important for her to see what a man looks like after he has given up fishing and hunting !

 

 

Church Ladies With Typewriters

Courtesy of Cathy Craddock

They’re Back! Those wonderful Church Bulletins!
Thank Goodness for the church ladies with typewriters.
These sentences actually appeared in church bulletins
or were announced at church services:

The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.
————————–

Scouts are saving aluminiumcans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
————————–

The sermon this morning:’Jesus Walks on the Water.’
The sermon tonight:’Searching for Jesus.’
————————–

Ladies, don’t forget the rummage sale. It’s a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house.
Bring your husbands.
————————–

Don’t let worry kill you off – let the Church help.
————————–

Miss Charlene Mason sang ‘I will not pass this way again’ giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
————————–

For those of you who have children , and don’t know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
————————–

Next Thursday there will be try-outs for the choir.
They need all the help they can get.
————————–

Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
————————–

A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.
————————–

At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be ‘What Is Hell?’ Come early and listen to our choir practice.
————————–

Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
————————–

Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered..
————————–

The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.
————————–

Pot-luck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM – prayer and medication to follow.
————————–

The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
————————–

This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
————————–

The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the Congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.
————————–

Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM . Please use the back door.
————————–

The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare’s Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM .. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
————————–

Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.
————————–
And this one just about sums them all up

The Associate Minister unveiled the church’s new campaign slogan last Sunday:

‘I Upped My Pledge – Up Yours.’

Visit BillLawrenceDittos.com for Church Ladies With Typewriters
Visit BillLawrenceOnline.com for Church Ladies With Typewriters

 

 

Old Woman Prospector — Humor Break

This Off The Internet bit of humor is courtesy of Cathy Martin Old Woman Prospector -- Humor Break

Old Woman and her Mule

She walked up and tied her old mule to the hitchin’ rail.

As she stood there, brushing some of the dust from her face and clothes,

a young gunslinger stepped out of the saloon with a gun in one hand and a bottle of whiskey in the other.

The young gunslinger looked at the old  woman and laughed, saying, “hey old woman, have you ever danced?”

The old woman looked up at the gunslinger and said, “No, i never did dance… Never really wanted to.”

A crowd had gathered as the gunslinger  grinned and said, “well, you old bag, you’re gonna dance now,” and started shooting at the old  woman’s feet.

The old woman prospector – not wanting to get her toe blown off – started hopping around. Everybody was laughing.

When his last bullet had been fired, the young gunslinger, still laughing, holstered his gun and turned around to go back into the saloon.

The old woman turned to her pack mule, pulled out a double-barreled shotgun, and cocked both hammers.

The loud clicks carried clearly through the desert air. The crowd stopped laughing immediately.

The young gunslinger heard the sounds too,  and he turned around very slowly.  The silence was almost deafening.

The crowd watched as the young gunman stared at the old woman and the large gaping holes of those twin barrels.

The barrels of the shotgun never wavered in  the old woman’s hands, as she quietly said, “son, have you ever licked a mule’s butt?”

the gunslinger swallowed hard and said, “no ma’am…But… I’ve always wanted to.”

There are a few lessons for us all here:

1 – Never be Arrogant.
2 – Don’t waste ammunition.
3 – Whiskey makes you think you’re smarter than you are.
4 – Always, always make sure you know who has the power.
5 – Don’t mess with old women; they didn’t get old by being stupid…

I JUST LOVE A STORY WITH A HAPPY ENDING, DON’T YOU?

Visit here for more jokes.

For the Legend of Abd-el-Kader and a recipe for baba ghanoush, which goes great with Cryptowit Quote Puzzles, visit here.

Frank Feldman

Frank FeldmanThis bit of humor is courtesy of Cathy Craddock

A man walks out to the street and catches a taxi just going by.

He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, “Perfect timing. You’re just like Frank.”

Passenger: “Who?”

Cabbie: “Frank Feldman… he’s a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time.”

Passenger: “There are always a few clouds over everybody.”

Cabbie: “Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand-Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone, and danced like a Broadway star. And you should have heard him play the piano! He was an amazing guy.”

Passenger: “Sounds like he was somebody really special.”

Cabbie: “Oh hell there’s more”. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody’s birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order, and which fork to eat it with. And he could fix anything—. Not like me -I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman, he could do everything right.”

Passenger: “Wow, some guy then.”

Cabbie: “He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank, he never made  mistakes, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never argue back, even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too. He was the perfect man! I never knew him to make a mistake! No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman.”

Passenger: “An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?”

Cabbie: “Well… I never actually met Frank.   He died, and I married his wife.”

For more jokes visit here.

Female Versus Government Logic

Female Versus Government Logic courtesy of Cathy Craddock

One morning the husband returns after  several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap. Although not  familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out. She  motors out a short distance, anchors, and reads her book.

Along comes a Game Warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and says, “Good morning, Ma’am. What are you doing?”

“Reading a book,” she replies, (thinking, “Isn’t that obvious?”)

“You’re in a Restricted Fishing Area,” he informs her.

“I’m sorry, officer, but I’m not fishing. I’m reading.”

“Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I’ll have to take you in and write you up.”

“For reading a book, ?” she replies.

“You’re in a Restricted Fishing Area,” he informs her again.

“I’m sorry, officer, but I’m not fishing. I’m reading.”

“Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I’ll have to take you in and write you up.”

“If you do that, I’ll have to charge you  with Sexual assault,” says the woman.

“But I haven’t even touched you,” says the game warden.

“That’s true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment.”

“Have a nice day ma’am,” and he  left.

MORAL:

Women get the last word in every argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new  argument.