Patriotic Retirement Plan — Off The Internet

Patriotic Retirement Plan Courtesy of Kate Rainey

There recently was an article in the St. Petersburg , Fl. Times. The Business Section  asked readers for ideas on: “How Would You Fix the
Economy?” I think this guy nailed it!

Dear Mr. President,

Please find below my suggestion for fixing America ‘s economy. Instead of giving billions of dollars to companies that will squander the money on lavish parties and unearned bonuses, use the following plan.
You can call it the:

“Patriotic Retirement Plan”:

There are about 40  million people over 50 in the work force. Pay them
$1 million apiece severance for early retirement  with the following  stipulations:

1) They MUST retire. Forty million job openings –
Unemployment fixed.

2) They MUST buy a new AMERICAN Car. Forty million cars ordered -Auto Industry fixed.

3) They MUST either buy a house or pay off their mortgage – Housing Crisis fixed.

It can’t get any easier than that!!

P.S. If more money is needed, have all members in Congress pay their taxes..

Mr. President, while you’re at it, make Congress retire on Social Security and Medicare. I’ll bet both programs would be fixed pronto!

Patriotic Retirement Plan

Patriotic Retirement Plan -- Off The Internet

Rumor: North Korean Dictator Done In

Rumor: North Korean Dictator Done In — You may as well hear it here first. A rumor is flying around the worldwideweb that Kim Jong-un, the latest dear leader from the heredity House of Kim that crushes North Korea under its bloody feet, was  assassinated this morning in Beijing.

The  source is Twitter-like posts on Weibo, which is a Chinese blogging service.

Old China hands are discounting them.

Kim is a communist progressive and if he lived in the United States he’d almost certainly be supporting Barack Obama and living in a university town or a city like Chicago.

He would likely be working as barista, and not be very dicatatory as he would constantly be stoned.

Rumor: North Korean Dictator Done In

Woolly mammoth sighted in Russia

Woolly mammoth sighted in Russia  — A woolly mammoth has been sighted in Russia.

The Sun in the U.K. has a posted a video of it crossing a river.

Russian journalists and British tabloids would never lie to us.

In related news, here is a video of Bigfoot dancing somewhere in the United States.


Woolly mammoth sighted in Russia

Woolly mammoth sighted in Russia

Abbott And Costello Unemployment Solutions

 Abbott And Costello Unemployment Solutions  

UNEMPLOYMENT

COSTELLO: I want to talk about the unemployment rate in America.

ABBOTT: Good Subject. Terrible Times. It’s 9%.

COSTELLO: That many people are out of work?

ABBOTT: No, that’s 16%.

COSTELLO: You just said 9%.

ABBOTT: 9% Unemployed.

COSTELLO: Right 9% out of work.

ABBOTT: No, that’s 16%.

COSTELLO: Okay, so it’s 16% unemployed.

ABBOTT: No, that’s 9%…

COSTELLO: WAIT A MINUTE. Is it 9% or 16%?

ABBOTT: 9% are unemployed. 16% are out of work.

COSTELLO: IF you are out of work you are unemployed.

ABBOTT: No, you can’t count the “Out of Work” as the unemployed. You have to look for work to be unemployed.

COSTELLO: BUT THEY ARE OUT OF WORK!!!

ABBOTT: No, you miss my point.

COSTELLO: What point?

ABBOTT: Someone who doesn’t look for work, can’t be counted with those who look for work. It wouldn’t be fair.

COSTELLO: To who?

ABBOTT: The unemployed.

COSTELLO: But they are ALL out of work.

ABBOTT: No, the unemployed are actively looking for work… Those who are out of work stopped looking. They gave up. And, if you give up, you are no longer in the ranks of the unemployed.

COSTELLO: So if you’re off the unemployment roles, that would count as less unemployment?

ABBOTT: Unemployment would go down. Absolutely!

COSTELLO: The unemployment just goes down because you don’t look for work?

ABBOTT: Absolutely it goes down. That’s how you get to 9%. Otherwise, it would be 16%. You don’t want to read about 16% unemployment do ya?

COSTELLO: That would be frightening.

ABBOTT: Absolutely.

COSTELLO: Wait, I got a question for you. That means they’re two ways to bring down the unemployment number?

ABBOTT: Two ways is correct.

COSTELLO: Unemployment can go down if someone gets a job?

ABBOTT: Correct.

COSTELLO: And unemployment can also go down if you stop looking for a job?

ABBOTT: Bingo.

COSTELLO: So there are two ways to bring unemployment down, and the easier of the two is to just stop looking for work.

ABBOTT: Now you’re thinking like an economist.

COSTELLO: I don’t even know what the hell I just said!

And now you know why the government’s unemployment figures are improving!

 

Abbott And Costello Unemployment Solutions

Questions From Jesus — Off The Internet

Questions From Jesus Courtesy Cathy Martin

If you never had to pray, How would you know that I am a Deliverer?

If you never had a trial, how could you call yourself an overcomer?

If you never felt sadness, How would you know that I am a Comforter?

If you never made a mistake, How would you know that I am a forgiver?

If you knew all, How would you know that I will answer your questions?

If you never were in trouble, How would you know that I will come to your rescue

If you never were broken, Then how would you know that I can make you whole?

If you never had a problem, How would you know that I can solve them?

If you never had any suffering, Then how would you know what I went through?

If you never went through the fire, Then how would you become pure?

If I gave you all things, How would you appreciate them?

If I never corrected you, How would you know that I love you?

If you had all power, Then how would you learn to depend on me?
If your life was perfect, Then what would you need me for?

Love,
Jesus

God our Father, walk through my house and take away all my worries and illnesses and please watch over and heal my family in Jesus name, Amen.

Wake Up America

 

 

Chuck Woolery explains how to solve our budget mess

Reader Fran C submitted  this link where Chuck Woolery explains how to solve our budget mess.

You know this country has problems when game show hosts can figure things out but those whom we elect to lead us struggle with the simple.

 

Chuck Woolery explains how to solve our budget mess

Men And Women At The ATM

Men And Women At The ATM Courtesy of Ricky Palinko

Men and Women using drive up ATM machine

Male :

Pull up to ATM
Insert card
Enter PIN
Take cash, card and receipt
Drive away

Female :

Pull up to ATM
Back up and pull forward to get closer
Shut off engine
Put keys in purse
Get out of car because you’re too far from machine
Hunt for card in purse
Insert card
Hunt in purse for grocery receipt with PIN written on it.
Enter PIN
Study instructions.
Hit “cancel”
Re-enter correct PIN
Check balance
Look for envelope
Look in purse for pen
Make out deposit slip
Endorse checks
Make deposit
Study instructions
Make cash withdrawal
Get in car
Check makeup
Look for keys
Start car
Check makeup
Adjust mirror
Start pulling away
Stop
Back to machine
Get out of car
Retrieve card and receipt
Get back in car
Put card in wallet
Put receipt in checkbook
Enter deposits and withdrawals in checkbook
Clear area in purse for wallet and checkbook
Check makeup
Adjust mirror again
Put car in reverse
Put car in drive
Drive away from machine
Drive three miles
Release parking brake

Why I’m Depressed — Off The Internet

Why I’m Depressed Courtesy Cathy Craddock

Over five thousand years ago, Moses said to the children of Israel , “Pick up
your shovels, mount your asses and camels, and I will lead you to the Promised
Land.”

Nearly 75 years ago (when Welfare was introduced) Roosevelt said, “Lay down
your shovels, sit on your asses, and light up a Camel, this is the Promised
Land.”

Now Obama has stolen your shovel, taxed your asses, raised the price of
Camels, and mortgaged the Promised Land!

I was so depressed last night thinking about Health Care Plans, the economy,
the wars, lost jobs, savings, Social Security, retirement funds, etc. . .
I called Lifeline. Got a call center in Pakistan.

I told them I was suicidal. They got all excited and asked if I could drive a truck.

Sack Lunches And Veterans

Sack Lunches And Veterans Courtesy of Jim Vanore

I put my carry-on in the luggage compartment and sat down in my assigned seat. It was going to be a long flight. ‘I’m  glad I have a good book to read. Perhaps I will get a short nap,’ I thought.

Just before take-off, a line of soldiers came down the aisle and filled all the vacant seats, totally surrounding
me. I decided to start a conversation.

‘Where are you headed?’ I asked the soldier seated nearest to me. ‘Petawawa. We’ll be there for two weeks for special training, and then we’re being deployed to Afghanistan

After flying for about an hour, an announcement was made that sack lunches were available for five dollars. It would be several hours before we eached the east, and I quickly decided a lunch would help pass the time…

As I reached for my wallet, I overheard a soldier ask his buddy if he planned to buy lunch. ‘No, that seems like a lot of money for just a sack lunch. Probably wouldn’t be worth five bucks. I’ll wait till we get to base.’

His friend agreed.

I looked around at the other soldiers. None were buying lunch. I walked to the back of the plane and handed the flight
attendant a fifty dollar bill. ‘Take a lunch to all those soldiers.’ She grabbed my arms and squeezed tightly. Her eyes wet with tears, she thanked me. ‘My son was a soldier in Iraq ; it’s almost like you are doing it for him.’

Picking up ten sacks, she headed up the aisle to where the solldiers were seated. She stopped at my seat and asked, ‘Which do you like best – beef or chicken?’

‘Chicken,’ I replied, wondering why she asked. She turned and went to the front of plane, returning a minute later
with a dinner plate from first class.

‘This is your thanks.’

After we finished eating, I went again to the back of the plane, heading for the rest room. A man stopped me. ‘I saw what you did. I want to be part of it. Here, take this.’ He handed me twenty-five dollars.

Soon after I returned to my seat, I saw the Flight Captain coming down the aisle, looking at the aisle numbers as he
walked, I hoped he was not looking for me, but noticed he was looking at the numbers only on my side of the plane. When he got to my row he stopped, smiled, held out his hand and said, ‘I want to shake your hand’ Quickly unfastening my seatbelt I stood and took the Captain’s hand.

With a booming voice he said, ‘I was a soldier and I was a military pilot. Once, someone bought me a lunch. It was an act of kindness I never forgot.’ I was embarrassed when applause was heard from all of the passengers.

Later I walked to the front of the plane so I could stretch my legs. A man who was seated about six rows in front of me
reached out his hand, wanting to shake mine. He left another twenty-five dollars in my palm.

When we landed I gathered my belongings and started to deplane. Waiting just inside the airplane door was a man
who stopped me, put something in my shirt pocket, turned, and walked away without saying a word. Another twenty-five dollars!

Upon entering the terminal, I saw the soldiers gathering for their trip to the base. I walked over to them and handed them seventy-five dollars.

‘It will take you some time to reach the base. It will be about time for a sandwich. God Bless You.’

Ten young men left that flight feeling the love and respect of their fellow travelers.

As I walked briskly to my car, I whispered a prayer for their safe return. These soldiers were giving their all for
our country. I could only give them a couple of meals. It seemed so little…

A veteran is someone who, at one point in his life, wrote a blank check made payable to ‘The United States of
America ‘ for an amount of ‘up to and including my life.’

That is Honor, and there are way too many people in this country who no longer understand it.’

 

Sack Lunches And Veterans