Dear Boss

Dear Boss Courtesy of Judy McGrane

Dear Boss,

I have enjoyed working  here these past several years. You have paid me very well, given me benefits beyond belief. I have 3-4 months off per year and a pension plan that will pay my salary till the day I die and a health plan that most people can only dream about.

I plan to take the next 12-18 months to find a new position.  During this time I will show up for work when it is convenient. In addition, I fully expect to draw my full salary and all the other perks associated with my current job.

Oh yeah, if my search for this new job proves fruitless, I will be back with no loss in pay or status. Before you say anything, remember that you have no choice in the matter.

I can and will do this.

Sincerely,
Every Senator or Congressman running for President.
…Try that at your job and let me know how it works for you.

Paraprosdokian

Paraprosdokian Courtesy of Kate Rainey

“Paraprosdokian”. “Figure of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected; frequently used in a humorous situation.”

“Where there’s a will, I want to be in it,” is a type of paraprosdokian.

1. Do not argue with an idiot.  He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.

2. The last thing I want to do is hurt you.  But it’s still on my list.

3. Light travels faster than sound.  This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

4. If I agreed with you, we’d both be wrong.

5. We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.

6. War does not determine who is right – only who is left.

7. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit.  Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

8. Evening news is where they begin with ‘Good Evening,’ and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.

9. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism.  To steal from many is research.

10. A bus station is where a bus stops.  A train station is where a train stops.  On my desk, I have a work station.

11. I thought I wanted a career.  Turns out I just wanted paychecks.

12. Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says, ‘In case of emergency, notify:’ I put ‘DOCTOR.’

13. I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.

14. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.

15. Behind every successful man is his woman.  Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.

16. A clear conscience is the sign of a fuzzy memory.

17. I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn’t work that way.  So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.

18. You do not need a parachute to skydive.  You only need a parachute to skydive twice.

19. Money can’t buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

20. There’s a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can’t get away.

21. I used to be indecisive.  Now I’m not so sure.

22. You’re never too old to learn something stupid.

23. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.

24. Nostalgia isn’t what it used to be.

25. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

26. Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

27. A diplomat is someone who tells you to go to hell in such a way that you look forward to the trip.

28. Hospitality is making your guests feel at home even when you wish they were.

29. I always take life with a grain of salt.  Plus a slice of lemon, and a shot of tequila.

30. When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.

Paraprosdokian

Paraprosdokian

Obama’s Agenda To Deal With The Economic Disaster

Here are the headings to President Obama’s agenda in dealing with the budget crisis as revealed by reader TomC:

  • Kick the can down the road
  • Make it look like we are not kicking the can down the road
  • Get Republicans to agree to kick the can down the road
  • Confuse  the American people  if they refuse  to kick the can down the road
  • Convince all that talk of a US credit rating downgrade is NEVER going to happen
  • If things come crashing down blame the terrorists in the Tea Party and President Bush

Pray For Obama: Psalm 109.8

Pray For Obama: Psalm 109.8 Courtesy of Mickey Rair

My wife and I were in slow-moving traffic the other day and we were stopped behind a car that had an unusual Obama bumper sticker on it.  It read: “Pray for Obama.  Psalm 109:8”.

When we got home my wife got out the Bible and opened it up to the scripture.  She started laughing & laughing.  Then she read it to me.  I couldn’t believe what it said.  I had a good laugh, too.

Psalm 109:8 ~ “Let his days be few and brief; and let others step forward  to replace him.”

At last — I can honestly voice a Biblical prayer for our president! Look  it up — it is word for word!  Let us all bow our heads and pray.

Brothers and Sisters, can I get an AMEN?

Ant & Grasshopper For The 21st Century

Ant & Grasshopper For The 21st Century Courtesy of Fran Coppock.

OLD VERSION:
The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter.

The grasshopper thinks the ant is a fool and laughs and dances and plays the summer away. Come winter, the ant is warm and well fed. The grasshopper has no food or shelter, so he dies out in the cold.

MORAL OF THE OLD STORY: Be responsible for yourself!

MODERN VERSION:
The ant works hard in the withering heat and the rain all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter. The grasshopper thinks the ant is a fool and laughs and dances and plays the summer away.

Come winter, the shivering grasshopper calls a press conference and demands to know why the ant should be allowed to be warm and well fed while he is cold and starving.

CBS, NBC , PBS, CNN, and ABC show up to provide pictures of the shivering grasshopper next to a video of the ant in his comfortable home with a table filled with food.

America is stunned by the sharp contrast.

How can this be, that in a country of such wealth, this poor grasshopper is allowed to suffer so?

Kermit the Frog appears on Oprah with the grasshopper and everybody cries when they sing, ‘It’s Not Easy Being Green…’

ACORN stages a demonstration in front of the ant’s house where the news stations film the group singing, We shall overcome.

Then Rev. Jeremiah Wright has the group kneel down to pray for the grasshopper’s sake.

President Obama condemns the ant and blames President Bush, President Reagan, Christopher Columbus, and the Pope for the grasshopper’s plight.

Nancy Pelosi & Harry Reid exclaim in an interview with Larry King that the ant has gotten rich off the back of the grasshopper, and both call for an immediate tax hike on the ant to make him pay his fair share.

Finally, the EEOC drafts the Economic Equity & Anti-Grasshopper Act retroactive to the beginning of the summer.

The ant is fined for failing to hire a proportionate number of green bugs and, having nothing left to pay his retroactive taxes, his home is confiscated by the Government Green Czar and given to the grasshopper.

The story ends as we see the grasshopper and his free-loading friends finishing up the last bits of the ant’s food while the government house he is in, which, as you recall, just happens to be the ant’s old house, crumbles around them because the grasshopper doesn’t maintain it.

The ant has disappeared in the snow, never to be seen again.

The grasshopper is found dead in a drug related incident, and the house, now abandoned, is taken over by a gang of spiders who terrorize and ramshackle, the once prosperous and peaceful, neighborhood.

The entire Nation collapses bringing the rest of the free world with it.

MORAL OF THE STORY: Be careful how you vote in 2012

The Voice Of God


Courtesy of Arlene Gilmore

A young man had been to Wednesday Night Bible Study.

The Pastor had shared about listening to God and obeying the Lord’s voice

The young man couldn’t help but wonder, ‘Does God still speak to people?’

After service, he went out with some friends for coffee and pie and they discussed the message. Several different ones talked about how God had led them in different ways.

It was about ten o’clock when the young man started driving home. Sitting in his car, he just began to pray, ‘God…If you still speak to people, speak to me. I will listen. I will do my best to obey.’

As he drove down the main street of his town, he had the strangest thought to stop and buy a gallon of milk.

He shook his head and said out loud, ‘God is that you?’ He didn’t get a reply and started on toward home.

But again, the thought, buy a gallon of milk.

The young man thought about Samuel and how he didn’t recognize the voice of God, and how little Samuel ran to Eli.

‘Okay, God, in case that is you, I will buy the milk.’ It didn’t seem like too hard a test of obedience. He could always use the milk. He stopped and purchased the gallon of milk and started off toward home.

As he passed Seventh Street , he again felt the urge, ‘Turn Down that street.’

This is crazy he thought, and drove on past the intersection.

Again, he felt that he should turn down Seventh Street …

At the next intersection, he turned back and headed down Seventh.

Half jokingly, he said out loud,
‘Okay, God, I will.’

He drove several blocks, when suddenly, he felt like he should stop He pulled over to the curb and looked around. He was in a semi- commercial area of town.. It wasn’t the best but it wasn’t the worst of neighborhoods either. The businesses were closed and most of the houses looked dark like the people were already in bed.

Again, he sensed something, ‘Go and give the milk to the people in the house across the street.’ The young man looked at the house. It was dark and it looked like the people were either gone or they were already asleep. He started to open the door and then sat back in the car seat.

‘Lord, this is insane. Those people are asleep and if I wake them up, they are going to be mad and I will look stupid.’ Again, he felt like he should go and give the milk.

Finally, he opened the door, ‘Okay God, if this is you, I will go to the door and I will give them the milk If you want me to look like a crazy person, okay. I want to be obedient. I guess that will count for some thing, but if they don’t answer right away, I am out of here.’

He walked across the street and rang the bell. He could hear some noise inside. A man’s voice yelled out, ‘Who is it? What do you want?’ Then the door opened before the young man could get away.

The man was standing there in his jeans and T-shirt…. He looked like he    just got out of bed. He had a strange look on his face and he didn’t seem too happy to have some stranger standing on his doorstep. ‘What is it?’

The young man thrust out the gallon of milk, ‘Here, I brought this to you.’ The man took the milk and rushed down a hallway..

Then from down the hall came a woman carrying the milk toward the kitchen. The man was following her holding a baby. The baby was crying.. The man had tears streaming down his face.

The man began speaking and half crying, ‘We were just praying .. We had
some big bills this month and we ran out of money.. We didn’t have any milk for our baby. I was just praying and asking God to show me how to get some milk.’

His wife in the kitchen yelled out, ‘I ask him to send an Angel with some.. Are you an Angel?’

The young man reached into his wallet and pulled out all the money he had on him and put in the man’s hand. He turned and walked back toward his car and the tears were streaming down his face.
He knew that God still answers prayers.

The Voice Of God

The Voice Of God

Extraterrestrials Have Infiltrated Our Government

Extraterrestrials Have Infiltrated Our Government

Extraterrestrials Have Infiltrated Our Government
Searching the world for the craziest things you can find.

By Hawthorne Tarry

At ease!

No, I’m not about to go all military on you. I just want to set your minds at ease because I am about to provide you with information that will shock, upset and terrify you to such a degree that it will likely put you in a life-long state of despair.

Extraterrestrials  have infiltrated our government.

It is well established that extraterrestrials, aliens if you will, have long been abducting Earth people — frankly I find the term “Earthling” to be quite offensive and refuse to be addressed by it — for perverse experiments. Professors at such elite schools such as Harvard University and Temple University have written extensively on this subject to such a degree that it can no longer be doubted and well-regarded news sources such as the Discovery Channel have aired documentaries about this.

Unfortunately, the American public would rather watch a Charlie Sheen rant or some cooking show than acquire the necessary knowledge to enable them to defend themselves.

For shame.

Of course, it has now gotten much worse over the last three decades. No longer are these aliens simply satisfied with sick games, they now wish to govern us.

Do you need an example? Minister Louis Abdul-Haleem Farrakhan Muhammad, Sr., one America’s most influential leaders and a clear member of our elite, openly boasts about communing with the aliens’ “mothership.” Why hasn’t he been taken into custody? Why hasn’t his skinny ass been waterboarded to wring like a dishtowel every bit of intelligence from him about this “mothership” so we can mount a defense?

People, can’t you connect the dots?

Every one of our presidents since James Earl Carter – the last honest Earthman — has been working hand in glove with these monsters. President Carter actually observed one of the alien craft. Tragically, he had neither the intelligence nor competence to do much about it.

Yes, my friends Ronald Reagan was but a genial movie actor in their employ. The Bushes, with their financial interests and dreams of a “new world order” — or perhaps “new otherworld order” — were easily co-opted. Bill Clinton was obviously a willing and joyful participant in their twisted experiments.

And that brings us to today and Barack Hussein Obama. Naive people think he is merely hiding his birth certificate because he had been born in Kenya. On no, it is not Kenya from whence he comes. People, look at those ears!! I am telling you

Ed note: Time to say goodnight, Hawthorne.

Extraterrestrials Have Infiltrated Our Government

Jails And Nursing Homes

Jails And Nursing Homes Courtesy of Judy McGrane

Here’s the way it should be:

Let’s put the seniors in jail and the criminals in nursing homes.

This would correct two things in one motion:

Seniors would have access to showers, hobbies and walks.

They would receive unlimited free prescriptions, dental and medical
Treatment, wheel chairs, etc.

They would receive money instead of having to pay it out.

They would have constant video montering, so they would be helped instantly… If they fell or needed assistance.

Bedding would be washed twice a week and all clothing would be ironed and returned to them.

A guard would check on them every 20 minutes.

All meals and snacks would be brought to them.

They would have family visits in a suite built for that purpose.
They would have access to a library, weight/fitness room, spiritual counseling, a pool and education…and free admission to in-house concerts by nationally recognized entertainment artists.

Simple clothing – ie. Shoes, slippers, pj’s – and legal aid would be free, upon request.

There would be private, secure rooms provided for all with an outdoor exercise yard complete with gardens.

Each senior would have a P.C., T.V., phone and radio in their room at no cost.

They would receive daily phone calls.

There would be a board of directors to hear any complaints and the ACLU would fight for their rights and protection.

The guards would have a code of conduct to be strictly adhered to, with attorneys available, at no charge to protect the seniors and their families from abuse or neglect.

As for the criminals:

They would receive cold food.

They would be left alone and unsupervised.

They would receive showers once a week.

They would live in tiny rooms, for which they would have to pay $5,000 per month.

They would have no hope of ever getting out.

“Sounds like justice to me!”

Advice On Anthem Singing

Advice On Anthem Singing — Some good advice going around the internet — and passed onto me by Fran Coppock —  for those honored with singing the National Anthem at public events:

“So, with all the kindness I can muster, I give this one piece of advice to the next pop star who is asked to sing the national anthem at a sporting event: save the vocal gymnastics and the physical gyrations for your concerts. Just sing this song the way you were taught to sing it in kindergarten — straight up, no styling. Sing it with the constant awareness that there are soldiers, sailors, airmen and Marines watching you from bases and outposts all over the world. Don’t make them cringe with your self-centered ego gratification. Sing it as if you are standing before a row of 86-year-old WWII vets wearing their Purple Hearts, Silver Stars and flag pins on their cardigans and you want them to be proud of you for honoring them and the country they love — not because you want them to think you are a superstar musician. They could see that from the costumes, the makeup and the entourages.  Sing “The Star Spangled Banner” with the courtesy and humility that tells the audience that it is about America , not you.”

 

Advice On Anthem Singing

Educating Liberal Woman How to

Educating Liberal Woman How To — A young woman was about to finish her first year of college. Like so many others her age, she considered herself to be a very Liberal  Democrat, and among  other liberal ideals, was very much in favor of  higher taxes to  support more government programs, in other words redistribution of wealth.

She  was deeply ashamed that her father was a rather staunch  Republican, a feeling  she openly expressed. Based on the lectures that  she had participated  in, and the occasional chat with a professor, she  felt that her father  had for years harbored an evil, selfish desire to  keep what he thought  should be his.

One day she was  challenging her father on his opposition to higher  taxes on the rich and  the need for more government programs. The  self-professed  objectivity proclaimed by her professors had to be the  truth and she  indicated so to her father. He responded by asking how  she was doing in  school.

Taken  aback, she answered rather haughtily that she had a 4.0 GPA, and  let him know that it  was tough to maintain, insisting that she was  taking a very  difficult course load and was constantly studying, which  left her no time to go  out and party like other people she knew. She  didn’t even have time  for a boyfriend, and didn’t really have many  college  friends, because she spent all her time studying.

Her father  listened and then asked , ‘How is your friend Audrey  doing?’ She replied, ‘  Audrey is barely getting by. All she takes are  easy classes, she  never studies, and she barely has a 2.0 GPA. She Is  so popular on campus;  college for her is a blast. She’s always invited  to all the parties and  lots of times she doesn’t even show up for  classes because she’s  too hung over.’

Her wise father  asked his daughter, ‘Why don’t you go to the Dean’s  office and ask him to  deduct 1.0 off your GPA and give it to your  friend who only has a  2.0. That way you will both have a 3.0 GPA,  and  certainly that would  be a fair and equal distribution of GPA.’ The  daughter, visibly  shocked by her father’s suggestion, angrily fired  back, ‘That’s a crazy  idea, how would that be fair! I’ve worked really  hard for my grades!  I’ve invested a lot of time, and a lot of hard  work! Audrey has done  next to nothing toward her degree. She played  while I worked my tail  off!’

The  father slowly smiled, winked and said gently, ‘Welcome to The  Republican party.’ If  anyone has a better explanation of the difference  between Republican and Democrat  I’m all ears.

If you ever  wondered what side of the fence you sit on, this is a great  test! Educating Liberal Woman

If a conservative  doesn’t like guns, he doesn’t buy one.  If a liberal doesn’t  like guns, he wants all guns outlawed.

If a conservative  is a vegetarian, he doesn’t eat meat..  If a liberal is a  vegetarian, he wants all meat products banned for  everyone.

If a conservative  is homosexual, he quietly leads his life.  If a liberal is  homosexual, he demands legislated respect.

If a conservative  is down-and-out, he thinks about how to better his  situation.  A liberal wonders who  is going to take care of him.

If a conservative  doesn’t like a talk show host, he switches channels.  Liberals demand that  those they don’t like be shut down.

If a conservative  is a non-believer, he doesn’t go to church.  A liberal non-believer  wants any mention of God and religion silenced.  (Unless it’s a foreign  Islamic religion, of course!)

If a conservative  reads this, he’ll forward it so his friends can have  a good laugh.  A  liberal will delete it because he’s “offended”.

Educating Liberal Woman