Church Ring Bears With Other Stories

Church Ring Bears With Other Stories  is courtesy of Cathy Craddock

 

A little boy was in a relative’s wedding.

As he was coming down the aisle, he would take two steps, stop, and turn to the crowd.

While facing the crowd, he would put his hands up like claws and roar.

So it went, step, step, ROAR, step, step, ROAR, all the way down the aisle.

As you can imagine, the crowd was near tears from laughing so hard by the time he reached the pulpit.

When asked what he was doing, the child sniffed and said, “I was being the Ring Bear.”

* * *

One Sunday in a Midwest City ,

A young child was “acting up” during the morning worship hour.

The parents did their best to maintain some sense of order in the pew

but were losing the battle.

Finally, the father picked the little fellow up

and walked sternly up the aisle on his way out.

Just before reaching the safety of the foyer,

the little one called loudly to the congregation,

“Pray for me! Pray for me!”

* * *

One particular four-year old prayed,

“And forgive us our trash baskets, as we forgive those who put trash in our baskets.”

* * *

A little boy was overheard praying:

“Lord, if you can’t make me a better boy, don’t worry about it;

I’m having a real good time like I am.”

* * *

A Sunday School teacher asked her little children, as they were on the way to church service,

“And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?”

One bright little girl replied, “Because people are sleeping.”

* * *

A little boy opened the big and old family Bible with fascination,

Looking at the old pages as he turned them.

Then something fell out of the Bible.

He picked it up and looked at it closely.

It was an old leaf from a tree that has been pressed in between the pages.

“Mama, look what I found,” the boy called out..

“What have you got there, dear?” his mother asked.

With astonishment in the young boy’s voice he answered,

“It’s Adam’s suit”.

* * *

The preacher was wired for sound with a lapel mike, and as he preached, he moved briskly about the platform, jerking the mike cord as he went.

Then he moved to one side, getting wound up in the cord and nearly tripping before jerking it again.

After several more circles and yanks on the mike cord, a little girl in the third pew leaned toward her mother and whispered,

“If he gets loose, will he hurt us?”

* * *

Six-year old Angie , and her four-year old brother, Joel , were sitting together in church.

Joel giggled, sang and talked out loud.

Finally, his big sister had had enough.

“You’re not supposed to talk out loud in church.”

“Why? Who’s going to stop me?” Joel asked.

Angie pointed to the back of the church and said,

“See those two men standing by the door?

They’re hushers.”

* * *

My grandson was visiting one day when he asked, “Grandma, do you know how you and God are alike?”

I mentally polished my halo, while I asked, “No, how are we alike?”

“You’re both old,” he replied.

* * *

A ten-year old, under the tutelage of her grandmother, was becoming quite knowledgeable about the Bible.

Then, one day, she floored her grandmother by asking, “Which Virgin was the mother of Jesus ? The Virgin Mary or the  King James Virgin ?”

* * *

A Sunday school class was studying the Ten Commandments.

They were ready to discuss the last one.

The teacher asked if anyone could tell her what it was.

Susie raised her hand, stood tall, and quoted,

“Thou shall not take the covers off the neighbor’s wife.”

Church Ring Bears With Other Stories

Guzzardi Submits Petitions For Gov. Bid

Guzzardi Submits Petitions — Conservative gubernatorial candidate Bob Guzzardi reports that he has turned in 2,400 signatures with at least 100 from 11 different counties which would qualify him for the Republican ballot against incumbent Tom Corbett.

The election is May 20.

“Gas Tax” Corbett is arguably setting records for incumbent unpopularity according to polling.


UPDATE: The Guzzardi team is now reporting they have filed 2,900 signatures and expect to be able to withstand any challenge.

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Guzzardi Submits Petitions

William Lawrence Sr Omnibit 3-11-14

William Lawrence Sr Omnibit 3-11-14

Frederick Louis Maytag, the business tycoon noted for his honesty and hardwork and the Maytag washing machine, had only 22 months of formal schooling. He also served in the Iowa senate for 10 years.

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Why You Must Fish, Hunt

This Off the Internet is Courtesy of Cathy Martin

I was walking down the street when I was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked me for a couple of dollars for dinner.

I took out my wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked,”If I give you this money, “Will you use it to go fishing instead of buying food?” I asked.

“No, I don’t waste time fishing,” the homeless man said..”I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive.”

“Will you spend this on hunting equipment?” I asked.

“Are you NUTS!” replied the homeless man. “I haven’t gone hunting in 20 years!”

“Well,” I said, “I’m not going to give you money. Instead, I’m going to take you home for a shower and a terrific dinner cooked by my wife.”

The homeless man was astounded. “Won’t your wife be furious with you for doing that?

I replied, “Don’t worry about that. It’s important for her to see what a man looks like after he has given up fishing and hunting !

 

 

William Lawrence Sr Omnibit 3-10-14

William Lawrence Sr Omnibit 3-10-14

Q — What is the most common symbol appearing on the flags of the world.
A — You guessed it, Robert James. The star is a hands down favorite.

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Church Ladies With Typewriters

Courtesy of Cathy Craddock

They’re Back! Those wonderful Church Bulletins!
Thank Goodness for the church ladies with typewriters.
These sentences actually appeared in church bulletins
or were announced at church services:

The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.
————————–

Scouts are saving aluminiumcans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
————————–

The sermon this morning:’Jesus Walks on the Water.’
The sermon tonight:’Searching for Jesus.’
————————–

Ladies, don’t forget the rummage sale. It’s a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house.
Bring your husbands.
————————–

Don’t let worry kill you off – let the Church help.
————————–

Miss Charlene Mason sang ‘I will not pass this way again’ giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
————————–

For those of you who have children , and don’t know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
————————–

Next Thursday there will be try-outs for the choir.
They need all the help they can get.
————————–

Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
————————–

A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.
————————–

At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be ‘What Is Hell?’ Come early and listen to our choir practice.
————————–

Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
————————–

Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered..
————————–

The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.
————————–

Pot-luck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM – prayer and medication to follow.
————————–

The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
————————–

This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
————————–

The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the Congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.
————————–

Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM . Please use the back door.
————————–

The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare’s Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM .. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
————————–

Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.
————————–
And this one just about sums them all up

The Associate Minister unveiled the church’s new campaign slogan last Sunday:

‘I Upped My Pledge – Up Yours.’

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Food Drive Helps Needy

Due to the continued hard economic conditions, Saints Peter & Paul Catholic Church, 100 S. Penn St., Clifton Height, Pa. 19018 hold a “Special Spring Food Collection” for the needy through Sunday, April 13.

Anyone wishing to donate any canned or boxed, non-perishable food items should bring them to the church on any Sunday before or after the 11 a.m.. Divine Liturgy.

Given the harsh economic conditions currently being experienced, everyone’s help is appreciated. The Church aims to match or exceed its last collection.  Please help.

P.S. All are welcome at the Liturgy. It’s Byzantine Rite but it’s Catholic.

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William Lawrence Sr Omnibit 3-8-14

William Lawrence Sr Omnibit 3-8-14

The yellow-bellied sea snake is the only reptile in the entire universe that never leaves the water.

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Homemade Slavic Easter Food Sold

Saints Peter and Paul Byzaninte Rite Catholic Church will again be selling traditional Slavic foods for Easter.

Kielbasa will be sold for $11 per ring or four links for $8.

Homemade,  mouth-watering, flavorful, potato-cheese pierogies will be sold for $8 per dozen.

Traditonal Paska bread (homemade) will be sold for $10 per loaf.

Orders can be placed via email at SSPeterandPaul@verizon.net or by calling Kathy at 610-328-4731.

Pickups will be noon Saturday, April 12  and Sunday, April 13 at the church at 100 S. Penn St., Clifton Heights, PA.

Daylight Saving Time Cometh

It’s time to spring forward.

At 2 a.m., tomorrow, March 9, Daylight Saving Time starts so move the timepieces ahead an hour if they are not already programmed to do so.

It ends Nov. 2.

Of course, as spring does not start until 12:57 p.m., March 20, the nights remain longer than days regardless of what government dictates.

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